It's amazing what life will teach you. I have learned so much about myself and people throughout these last seven months. Some not so good stuff, and some good stuff. While I'm no where near healed, or back to my hold self, I can feel myself becoming more and more ok with the person I am now becoming. Sure there are things where I don't know what to do and whether or not I'm making the right decision. But who cares? Life is nothing but a lesson. We make decisions and we learn from them. Good or bad.
I have noticed I am not the same person I used to be. Before August 16, 2011 and after. Don't get me wrong, I have what I believe all new issues to deal with in my head, things that are going to be my problem and that I will have to deal with, but I have also learned to love a little deeper, live a little more, and smile. Have I been handed a rough time? Yes I have. Is there someone out there who has it rougher than me? Yes there is.
It's amazing how life lessons give you a different outlook on life. You don't care what people think or what they say. It doesn't matter. Does it truly have an impact on your day to day living? No. So why care? Do what makes you happy. After all if we go through life miserable then whats the point of living anyway?
Live. Laugh. Love.
There is more to that than people typically understand.
Live for the moment, you may not have another one.
Laugh for the time, because you never know when it'll end.
Love with all your heart, because that is what people remember when you're gone.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Sprinkles turning into drops
Thursday was an interesting day. It rained all day so I decided to stay home and try out my baking and cooking skills. For once, my cooking skills turned out better than my baking. I got up and started a roast at 10 a.m. and let it simmer all day till about 6. Mmm It was so good! I made apple bread for dessert. That one the other hand looked horrible but it tasted pretty good!
Scary looking. But still taste, and that's all that matters right??
Sometimes Thursday I hurt my back. Not sure how I did it but I did. So I spent Friday at Urgent Care and they concluded I have a lumbar sprain. How the heck you sprain your lower back while doing nothing I'm not sure. But I somehow did it. I really need to live in a bubble. I got some nice muscle relaxers and a few pain pills. I do feel somewhat better today. Thanks to a wonderful heating pad.
I did find some bad news out thanks to facebook. A family friend lost her brother. Another wife lost her husband. I don't know what it is, but that alone makes me hurt. I hurt knowing what they're going to go through. What they're going to experience, and how much their life is going to change. It breaks my heart. This is one thing I wish I could protect from anybody. The hurt, the loneliness, the pain both emotionally and physically. One may not think that when you experience grief you don't experience a physical pain, but you do. It hurts so bad. No pain reliever to take it away you just have to deal. Along with everything else in your new life. You have to learn to deal.
It's like a boulder just hit me. Every time I hear of death I am sent spiraling back down the mountain. Back to were I started, except this time a little different. I'm a little stronger, and I know what to expect. Who needs to hike up Mt. Everest when you have life to hike through.
Scary looking. But still taste, and that's all that matters right??
Sometimes Thursday I hurt my back. Not sure how I did it but I did. So I spent Friday at Urgent Care and they concluded I have a lumbar sprain. How the heck you sprain your lower back while doing nothing I'm not sure. But I somehow did it. I really need to live in a bubble. I got some nice muscle relaxers and a few pain pills. I do feel somewhat better today. Thanks to a wonderful heating pad.
I did find some bad news out thanks to facebook. A family friend lost her brother. Another wife lost her husband. I don't know what it is, but that alone makes me hurt. I hurt knowing what they're going to go through. What they're going to experience, and how much their life is going to change. It breaks my heart. This is one thing I wish I could protect from anybody. The hurt, the loneliness, the pain both emotionally and physically. One may not think that when you experience grief you don't experience a physical pain, but you do. It hurts so bad. No pain reliever to take it away you just have to deal. Along with everything else in your new life. You have to learn to deal.
It's like a boulder just hit me. Every time I hear of death I am sent spiraling back down the mountain. Back to were I started, except this time a little different. I'm a little stronger, and I know what to expect. Who needs to hike up Mt. Everest when you have life to hike through.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Learning my way
There isn't much to go over lately. All has been pretty calm and quiet. That can be good, and that can be really bad. They always say there's a calm before the storm. We shall see.
I've been on this cooking kick. Trying all kinds of new recipes and stuff. Well tonight I tried this chicken, broccoli, cheese casserole thing. It was pretty tasty.
So glad I have friends will to be guinea pigs on my cooking adventures. Tomorrow I'm going to attempt a roast. Then Thursday I'm probably going to attempt an apple bread. I've never done bread in my entire life. Time to learn! I'm actually enjoying all this cooking and baking. It's something to throw myself into. Distractions are key to my life. I love distractions. Doesn't give me time to sit and think.
I can't wait for tomorrow! It's supposed to be 65 and sunny so we're going to the park again! Except this time I'm taking the camera with me. I want LOTS of pictures. Hopefully the kids will have fun. I'll have to let you know tomorrow how everything goes.
One last thing, next week is final exam week and then off till the 26th! Yes!
I've been on this cooking kick. Trying all kinds of new recipes and stuff. Well tonight I tried this chicken, broccoli, cheese casserole thing. It was pretty tasty.
So glad I have friends will to be guinea pigs on my cooking adventures. Tomorrow I'm going to attempt a roast. Then Thursday I'm probably going to attempt an apple bread. I've never done bread in my entire life. Time to learn! I'm actually enjoying all this cooking and baking. It's something to throw myself into. Distractions are key to my life. I love distractions. Doesn't give me time to sit and think.
I can't wait for tomorrow! It's supposed to be 65 and sunny so we're going to the park again! Except this time I'm taking the camera with me. I want LOTS of pictures. Hopefully the kids will have fun. I'll have to let you know tomorrow how everything goes.
One last thing, next week is final exam week and then off till the 26th! Yes!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Happy Anniversary to Us
This week has been one heck of a roller coaster! I have FOR SURE had my downs this week, but thankfully I have good friends and family that I have came out smiling.
My biggest hurdle this week, our anniversary. It would have officially been one full "leap" year of marriage. We were both so excited for it. We had big plans for it. Not very many people know but we were planning to renew our vowels with all our friends and family. Unfortunately we were not able to do that. 6 months short :(
That's ok. He made it up to me the best he could. He knew I would need a laugh this week. He knew it was going to be incredibly rough on me, and that I had a huge boulder hit me head on. I'm glad he still watches over me. You feel kind of special when you know you have a special guardian.
So while Tuesday was not an ideal day, and I learned a lot, I was afraid it was the beginning of a melt down. I'm sure he is not pleased with everything that has happened or what it currently going on, but there is nothing that he or I can do about it. So we just have to let it be, pick up, and move on. It's all I can do. Some things are beyond repair, I'm aware of that, I feel bad. Terrible. But what do you do? I had to cut it from my life. I have to walk away. It's best for everyone. I cried a lot Tuesday. But, once again, friends and family to the rescue. Giving me that pep talk that I needed. <3 They truly are what keep me going.
Now Wednesday! It's official. LEAP DAY! On this day, 4 years ago, Dustin and I took the leap on Leap Day. I remember the day. Even though it was a spur of the moment deal and it didn't involve all our family and friends, it didn't matter. We had each other. Till death do us part. Unfortunately that's what it came down to all to soon for me. As I will forever think about him, he will forever be in my heart. I will always have that empty space, a void that can never be filled. It's ok though. I love him. I always will. I am not ashamed of that.
I know a lot of people were worried about me on this day. It's a lot to have to go through the firsts, and nobody wants to do it alone. I'm so glad I have people that care enough to make sure I'm ok and not a burden. I really am at this point where I feel like I'm a burden. People have to be tired of hearing me talk about being a widow and what I'm going through, but it's such a BIG part of my life that I really don't know what else to talk about. It doesn't matter to some though. They still listen, they still care. Really helps the heart heal.
I really had all intentions of staying inside all day Wednesday. It was a beautiful day. Really should be spent outside, but I knew outside meant motorcycles and people enjoying the weather that my husband and I can no longer share together. We still share it, he gave me that special, beautiful day. That morning, Dustin's best friend, decided that I needed out of the house. He took Alex and I to some breakfast, and then told me to pick what we're doing next. Me, being the lets stay inside person, wanted to just go home, but he wasn't going to let me. Instead we decided to go to the park. It was such a great distraction. Alex played in the mud and water, and we walked more than I have in a LONG time. It was great. Great stories talking about Dustin. If anyone wants to comfort me the first thing to do is just talk about Dustin. Yes I may cry, but it puts me at such ease knowing I'm not the only one missing him.
After the park it was time to go home because Makayla would be getting out of school soon. Alex and I walked down to get her and on our way back I noticed a floral truck turning down our street. At the time I didn't think nothing of it, and I'm not sure why it even stood out to me, but it did. As we cross the street and start walking down our street to the house I notice the floral truck was sitting on my side of the road in front of my complex. How sweet I thought. Someone's getting flowers. The closer I got, the more I realized he was at MY front door. I immediately started crying. I went through this stage where I never wanted flowers, ever. I had seen enough flowers from the funeral. They filled my entire kitchen and half my living room!
Who would want flowers after seeing all of those! Flowers, the smell of them, the look of them just had a ruined meaning for me. While I did get some flowers for Valentines Day they just didn't do it for me. The delivery man got tired of waiting for me to answer the door I saw him just put the flowers down and start to walk to his truck. It was a cute little romantic set of flowers that came with a teddy bear.
When I read who they were from I had the biggest smile on my face. Through the tears I knew I still had people who loved and cared about me. Even though they went behind my back and tricked me it was still a great surprise. I left these on my table. Every so often throughout the night I would look over at them and smile. The idea of flowers again was starting to grow on me. So now I have these beautiful flowers, and still have a dinner to go to! I go to dinner, prime rib for Dustin, and then we go see a movie. Wanderlust. Oh boy, full of hippies and sex! Funny. Now its time for home and sleep. I really had a great anniversary, because of my friends and family.
But oh wait! It's not over. It's now Thursday and there's a knock on my door. MORE FLOWERS! What?! Well come to find out, the first set I got wasn't really the correct order. So I got replacement flowers. I thought my friends were just being silly and surprising me again as a "ha ha" with replacement flowers.
Come to find out, neither of these orders were correct. It's ok though. I have officially gotten over my fear of flowers simply by learning to laugh at the mess up of other people. It was entertaining. Since these weren't correct either...guess what..It's now Friday and who knocks at the door?? The flower man! With MORE flowers!
By this time I have laughing so hard the poor guy probably thought I was crazy. But oh wait, it's still not over. The flower man had to come back because he forgot my bear.
How about that. An angel bear. It was then that it clicked. Dustin sure did have some fun messing all of this up. He knew I'd need a laugh. What better way than THREE DAYS of flowers at my door. Isn't that every girls dream? On our anniversary Dustin always bought me flowers, and two cards. A funny card, and a romantic card.
Romantic card = the pink and red set
Funny card = the yellow set
Flowers = the correct arrangement with the angel bear. Letting me know he's still with me.
It's the simple things that put a smile on our face and help us to keep going. It's support and friendships. If it wasn't for these people I'm not sure how I would've handled this week. For all I know it could've took over me and it could've been the end. Remember to always be there for each other. You never know what is going on in their head and when they'll need you most. I need Dustin and I need my support team. Dustin made sure I got it all.
Happy Anniversary Honey. I love you.
My biggest hurdle this week, our anniversary. It would have officially been one full "leap" year of marriage. We were both so excited for it. We had big plans for it. Not very many people know but we were planning to renew our vowels with all our friends and family. Unfortunately we were not able to do that. 6 months short :(
That's ok. He made it up to me the best he could. He knew I would need a laugh this week. He knew it was going to be incredibly rough on me, and that I had a huge boulder hit me head on. I'm glad he still watches over me. You feel kind of special when you know you have a special guardian.
So while Tuesday was not an ideal day, and I learned a lot, I was afraid it was the beginning of a melt down. I'm sure he is not pleased with everything that has happened or what it currently going on, but there is nothing that he or I can do about it. So we just have to let it be, pick up, and move on. It's all I can do. Some things are beyond repair, I'm aware of that, I feel bad. Terrible. But what do you do? I had to cut it from my life. I have to walk away. It's best for everyone. I cried a lot Tuesday. But, once again, friends and family to the rescue. Giving me that pep talk that I needed. <3 They truly are what keep me going.
Now Wednesday! It's official. LEAP DAY! On this day, 4 years ago, Dustin and I took the leap on Leap Day. I remember the day. Even though it was a spur of the moment deal and it didn't involve all our family and friends, it didn't matter. We had each other. Till death do us part. Unfortunately that's what it came down to all to soon for me. As I will forever think about him, he will forever be in my heart. I will always have that empty space, a void that can never be filled. It's ok though. I love him. I always will. I am not ashamed of that.
I know a lot of people were worried about me on this day. It's a lot to have to go through the firsts, and nobody wants to do it alone. I'm so glad I have people that care enough to make sure I'm ok and not a burden. I really am at this point where I feel like I'm a burden. People have to be tired of hearing me talk about being a widow and what I'm going through, but it's such a BIG part of my life that I really don't know what else to talk about. It doesn't matter to some though. They still listen, they still care. Really helps the heart heal.
I really had all intentions of staying inside all day Wednesday. It was a beautiful day. Really should be spent outside, but I knew outside meant motorcycles and people enjoying the weather that my husband and I can no longer share together. We still share it, he gave me that special, beautiful day. That morning, Dustin's best friend, decided that I needed out of the house. He took Alex and I to some breakfast, and then told me to pick what we're doing next. Me, being the lets stay inside person, wanted to just go home, but he wasn't going to let me. Instead we decided to go to the park. It was such a great distraction. Alex played in the mud and water, and we walked more than I have in a LONG time. It was great. Great stories talking about Dustin. If anyone wants to comfort me the first thing to do is just talk about Dustin. Yes I may cry, but it puts me at such ease knowing I'm not the only one missing him.
After the park it was time to go home because Makayla would be getting out of school soon. Alex and I walked down to get her and on our way back I noticed a floral truck turning down our street. At the time I didn't think nothing of it, and I'm not sure why it even stood out to me, but it did. As we cross the street and start walking down our street to the house I notice the floral truck was sitting on my side of the road in front of my complex. How sweet I thought. Someone's getting flowers. The closer I got, the more I realized he was at MY front door. I immediately started crying. I went through this stage where I never wanted flowers, ever. I had seen enough flowers from the funeral. They filled my entire kitchen and half my living room!
Who would want flowers after seeing all of those! Flowers, the smell of them, the look of them just had a ruined meaning for me. While I did get some flowers for Valentines Day they just didn't do it for me. The delivery man got tired of waiting for me to answer the door I saw him just put the flowers down and start to walk to his truck. It was a cute little romantic set of flowers that came with a teddy bear.
When I read who they were from I had the biggest smile on my face. Through the tears I knew I still had people who loved and cared about me. Even though they went behind my back and tricked me it was still a great surprise. I left these on my table. Every so often throughout the night I would look over at them and smile. The idea of flowers again was starting to grow on me. So now I have these beautiful flowers, and still have a dinner to go to! I go to dinner, prime rib for Dustin, and then we go see a movie. Wanderlust. Oh boy, full of hippies and sex! Funny. Now its time for home and sleep. I really had a great anniversary, because of my friends and family.
But oh wait! It's not over. It's now Thursday and there's a knock on my door. MORE FLOWERS! What?! Well come to find out, the first set I got wasn't really the correct order. So I got replacement flowers. I thought my friends were just being silly and surprising me again as a "ha ha" with replacement flowers.
Come to find out, neither of these orders were correct. It's ok though. I have officially gotten over my fear of flowers simply by learning to laugh at the mess up of other people. It was entertaining. Since these weren't correct either...guess what..It's now Friday and who knocks at the door?? The flower man! With MORE flowers!
By this time I have laughing so hard the poor guy probably thought I was crazy. But oh wait, it's still not over. The flower man had to come back because he forgot my bear.
How about that. An angel bear. It was then that it clicked. Dustin sure did have some fun messing all of this up. He knew I'd need a laugh. What better way than THREE DAYS of flowers at my door. Isn't that every girls dream? On our anniversary Dustin always bought me flowers, and two cards. A funny card, and a romantic card.
Romantic card = the pink and red set
Funny card = the yellow set
Flowers = the correct arrangement with the angel bear. Letting me know he's still with me.
It's the simple things that put a smile on our face and help us to keep going. It's support and friendships. If it wasn't for these people I'm not sure how I would've handled this week. For all I know it could've took over me and it could've been the end. Remember to always be there for each other. You never know what is going on in their head and when they'll need you most. I need Dustin and I need my support team. Dustin made sure I got it all.
Happy Anniversary Honey. I love you.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Let it be
Three of the hardest words/sayings to listen to...Let it be, or leave it alone, or just walk away.
How do you do any of that when you know someone you love is going to get hurt? But at the same time they may get hurt if you don't do any of those three things.
I wish people could grow up. Let things go. Look at what you have in front of you and be happy that you still have it! Not all of us our fortunate enough. Why push someone to their limit? Why make them miserable? At the same time...why should I care?
Why do I have to be such a caring person and worry about everyone else and their happiness and not my own? I really do believe the whole Virgo thing fits me.
I care to much about people. I get invested to easily, and all I want to see is people happy. I hate when people aren't happy. I always want to fix things.
It's time to concentrate on me. I can't help my kids until I help myself.
The hardest thing for me to do...say screw you it's time for me to be selfish.
How do you do any of that when you know someone you love is going to get hurt? But at the same time they may get hurt if you don't do any of those three things.
I wish people could grow up. Let things go. Look at what you have in front of you and be happy that you still have it! Not all of us our fortunate enough. Why push someone to their limit? Why make them miserable? At the same time...why should I care?
Why do I have to be such a caring person and worry about everyone else and their happiness and not my own? I really do believe the whole Virgo thing fits me.
I care to much about people. I get invested to easily, and all I want to see is people happy. I hate when people aren't happy. I always want to fix things.
It's time to concentrate on me. I can't help my kids until I help myself.
The hardest thing for me to do...say screw you it's time for me to be selfish.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
What I mess I am
This whole "learning to live on your own thing" is for the birds. I like having someone else live with me. I, am a chicken. Yes I know this. It is why I have never lived alone. After having my skin scared off me I have realized I need to learn to defend myself. Whether it be a woman's defense class, or as far as shooting a gun, either way I need to learn it. Walking around in a robe with a bed rail is not going to cut it if someone were to ever break in. Sometimes I feel so helpless. But, I'm going to change that.
Yesterday was a good day! I went through some boxes and found old photo albums, Dustin's clothes, and some things I have been looking for around the house. I spent the majority of the day going through pictures. Then I remembered MySpace! How could we forget MySpace. I found so many more pictures! Then I got the bright idea to ask friends to start posting pictures they have. Needless to say I was up really late with friends having posting wars of pictures of Dustin. Made my night. Seeing pictures I have either never seen before or haven't seen in a long time. I'm so thankful I have people that have pictures of him and they're willing to share.
I know this may sound weird but I think Dustin was around last night. I did something different, that I've never done before and made a place for Daddy at the dinner table with us last night.
Yesterday was a good day! I went through some boxes and found old photo albums, Dustin's clothes, and some things I have been looking for around the house. I spent the majority of the day going through pictures. Then I remembered MySpace! How could we forget MySpace. I found so many more pictures! Then I got the bright idea to ask friends to start posting pictures they have. Needless to say I was up really late with friends having posting wars of pictures of Dustin. Made my night. Seeing pictures I have either never seen before or haven't seen in a long time. I'm so thankful I have people that have pictures of him and they're willing to share.
I know this may sound weird but I think Dustin was around last night. I did something different, that I've never done before and made a place for Daddy at the dinner table with us last night.
After dinner is when I really got into the pictures. After the kids went to bed, and I was done with pictures for the night I decided to take a shower. Nothing unusual taking a shower while the kids are asleep. Lord knows I can't take one when Alex is awake because hard telling what he'll get into. So I take my shower, a nice long hot one so I could relax, and when I get out I heard this loud CRASH. Sounded like pots and pans falling. Now I have some pans still in boxes because I barely use them and they take up room that I don't have much of. So I thought maybe a box fell. Kinda odd a box would fall because it's directly under the basement window. Then my mind starts going crazy. Someone came in my window. Here I am naked, upstairs, with nothing to defend myself. So what do I do, grab a robe (no tie), and a bed rail from the water bed. I stand at the top of the stairs for what felt like forever trying to listen to see if I hear anybody. Nothing. So I venture downstairs, bed rail in hand, one step at a time to find nobody on the first floor. I check all the windows and locks, secure. So now it's time to go downstairs. I'm praying that nobody is hiding under the stairs so they can't grab my ankles and make me fall. Or look up my robe. Nothing. No boxes had fallen either. What made the loud bang? Then I notice it, my clothes rack fell. How it fell I'm not sure. It's stable. It would have to be pushed over to fall. It's never moved in over the month we have lived here. Odd. So I venture to check out the basement, all hiding spots, under the table, under the stairs, behind the washer and dryer...nothing. Whew. Now I can finally go to bed at 2 a.m.! Maybe. I venture off into lala land finally and wake up FREEZING. Thought maybe it was because of my ceiling fan. Nope. I get out of bed and it's chilly. I come down stairs and look at the heater, it's 63 degrees in the house! The thermostat was set at 70 last night, I look, and the little knob is pulled all the way down below 50! How it changed or moved I don't know. So I've adjusted my heat, made some coffee and now I'm warm again. This all just makes me think that Dustin came by to say a very creepy hello. He loved to scare me.
Sometimes I think I got this grief thing. Like right now, I got this, but deep down inside of me I'm just waiting for the next hurdle. I know there's going to be one. So I have to use this time to build up my strength so I can handle the next boulder coming down the mountain.
Grief is a life long process you learn to deal with. It's kind of like a silent disease. It can kill you if you don't face it head on.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Giggle Giggle
I love having good days. It almost makes me feel like I'm walking in the right direction. I hate that I'm walking alone now, but I just keep telling myself he walks with me just not in the same way.
I felt him the other day. I can't explain it, but I did. Makes me realize how much my heart hurts. Someday I will be with him again. Till then I will take the feelings for now.
I have realized through this experience that I am no longer afraid of death. I almost look forward to it. How many people can say that? No, I'm not having any suicidal thoughts. It's just that I know there's another place after this and I'm looking forward to being there. I have to learn to love life again. Right now I'm just living, I'm here because I have to be. Makayla and Alex need me. Eventually someone will come along and give me a reason to live again.
I have awhile for that. But it's nice to know my head, and heart are opening up to the idea. I will ALWAYS love Dustin. He was my best friend, my soul mate.
Who says you can't have two soul mates in your life? I'm unfortunate to have to be a widow. But I'm fortunate enough to know what love is and have experienced it.
Till next time.
I felt him the other day. I can't explain it, but I did. Makes me realize how much my heart hurts. Someday I will be with him again. Till then I will take the feelings for now.
I have realized through this experience that I am no longer afraid of death. I almost look forward to it. How many people can say that? No, I'm not having any suicidal thoughts. It's just that I know there's another place after this and I'm looking forward to being there. I have to learn to love life again. Right now I'm just living, I'm here because I have to be. Makayla and Alex need me. Eventually someone will come along and give me a reason to live again.
I have awhile for that. But it's nice to know my head, and heart are opening up to the idea. I will ALWAYS love Dustin. He was my best friend, my soul mate.
Who says you can't have two soul mates in your life? I'm unfortunate to have to be a widow. But I'm fortunate enough to know what love is and have experienced it.
Till next time.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Up, Up, and Away
For once, I had a good day yesterday! I actually felt a bit normal.
First we spent the morning going to breakfast, then we went to the zoo! Couldn't let a bright sunny February day go to waste. We went, we had fun.
I'm so thankful for my family. To step up and help make my kids happy. Help me take my mind off things. I know they had a good time yesterday.
It even ended nicely. Went to the movies with some great friends and saw "This Means War." One of thee funniest movies I've seen in a LONG while! Reese Witherspoon sure does pick some good movies to be in. I think I could even go back and watch it again. :)
After we got home and I got the kids to bed I usually always stay up. I don't know why but the night always seems to get to me. So I went to bed before the loneliness fully got a hold of me.
I don't know why but my dreams have a way of messing with me. First, a couple nights ago, I dreamed Alex died. I just kept seeing him being my "angel baby." That dream/nightmare scares the crap out of me. Then, last night, I dreamed of Dustin. While most might think that's a good thing these dreams are not good. For some reason I keep dreaming that we're getting a divorce. He's leaving me. Doesn't want to work on our marriage and has been cheating on me. I don't know where these dreams come from, but I don't like them. Why can't I dream happy dreams? Needless to say I didn't wake up to happy. Stuff like that always puts a damper on me.
But, today is a new day, and we shall see what it has in store. As of right now...it's housework. Yipee. :)
First we spent the morning going to breakfast, then we went to the zoo! Couldn't let a bright sunny February day go to waste. We went, we had fun.
I'm so thankful for my family. To step up and help make my kids happy. Help me take my mind off things. I know they had a good time yesterday.
It even ended nicely. Went to the movies with some great friends and saw "This Means War." One of thee funniest movies I've seen in a LONG while! Reese Witherspoon sure does pick some good movies to be in. I think I could even go back and watch it again. :)
After we got home and I got the kids to bed I usually always stay up. I don't know why but the night always seems to get to me. So I went to bed before the loneliness fully got a hold of me.
I don't know why but my dreams have a way of messing with me. First, a couple nights ago, I dreamed Alex died. I just kept seeing him being my "angel baby." That dream/nightmare scares the crap out of me. Then, last night, I dreamed of Dustin. While most might think that's a good thing these dreams are not good. For some reason I keep dreaming that we're getting a divorce. He's leaving me. Doesn't want to work on our marriage and has been cheating on me. I don't know where these dreams come from, but I don't like them. Why can't I dream happy dreams? Needless to say I didn't wake up to happy. Stuff like that always puts a damper on me.
But, today is a new day, and we shall see what it has in store. As of right now...it's housework. Yipee. :)
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Stuck in the middle
Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I have great family and friends that take care of me.
Today was ok. Had a good evening. Normal day I guess.
Tomorrow is a whole new day. A new milestone. A new adventure.
I need to take each day as it is and stop trying to make the days horrible. Life is already hard. I need to start trying to find my rainbow. If I have to make my own wind to put in my own sails than so be it. I'm going to try anyway. I'll never know until I try.
I want to feel my old normal so bad, but I know I can never be that person ever again. I am now officially this new person. I need to take what I have been given and make do. For some reason I have been put in this position, and I'm going to learn to embrace it. Embrace the new me. Yes there are things I can now no longer handle, and yes things affect me differently than what they used to. Doesn't mean I can't learn to deal with those things. It's just going to take awhile.
For once I understand the statement "It just takes time" a little more clearer.
Today was ok. Had a good evening. Normal day I guess.
Tomorrow is a whole new day. A new milestone. A new adventure.
I need to take each day as it is and stop trying to make the days horrible. Life is already hard. I need to start trying to find my rainbow. If I have to make my own wind to put in my own sails than so be it. I'm going to try anyway. I'll never know until I try.
I want to feel my old normal so bad, but I know I can never be that person ever again. I am now officially this new person. I need to take what I have been given and make do. For some reason I have been put in this position, and I'm going to learn to embrace it. Embrace the new me. Yes there are things I can now no longer handle, and yes things affect me differently than what they used to. Doesn't mean I can't learn to deal with those things. It's just going to take awhile.
For once I understand the statement "It just takes time" a little more clearer.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Let it begin
I have made it to Valentine's Day. Let the melt down begin.
Did we celebrate like some people do? No. But we did celebrate it. We shared our love for each other every day, but a little more on Valentine's Day. It's hard to sit here. I want him back so bad. I want to hold him in my arms and never let go. Mine. I want what was mine back.
In two days I'll also be hitting a landmark date. 6 months. Half a year. Where did it go? I feel like at 6 months I should be feeling better. Moving on with life. Instead I feel like I'm going backwards. I can't take this. I can't do this anymore. The emptiness is eating me alive. The crying is wearing me out. Lack of sleep is making me even more emotionally unstable.
I think people are getting tired of listening to me. Wondering how much longer they're going to have to hear about this. Deal with my mood swings and up and down emotions. How much longer can I ask of people to listen?
I keep repeating to myself, "6 months, I should be better!" But I'm not. I'm just as fragile now as the day I found out. 6 months just means the shock has worn off, reality has set it, and I now know nothing I can do can fix anything.
I've fallen. Straight on my face. Where do I find the strength to pick myself back up?
Did we celebrate like some people do? No. But we did celebrate it. We shared our love for each other every day, but a little more on Valentine's Day. It's hard to sit here. I want him back so bad. I want to hold him in my arms and never let go. Mine. I want what was mine back.
In two days I'll also be hitting a landmark date. 6 months. Half a year. Where did it go? I feel like at 6 months I should be feeling better. Moving on with life. Instead I feel like I'm going backwards. I can't take this. I can't do this anymore. The emptiness is eating me alive. The crying is wearing me out. Lack of sleep is making me even more emotionally unstable.
I think people are getting tired of listening to me. Wondering how much longer they're going to have to hear about this. Deal with my mood swings and up and down emotions. How much longer can I ask of people to listen?
I keep repeating to myself, "6 months, I should be better!" But I'm not. I'm just as fragile now as the day I found out. 6 months just means the shock has worn off, reality has set it, and I now know nothing I can do can fix anything.
I've fallen. Straight on my face. Where do I find the strength to pick myself back up?
Sunday, February 12, 2012
We fall down, but we get up
Life really is an emotional roller coaster. You have your ups and then you have your downs. You fall, and you get back up. I have learned that there are things and times that I can't control. I'm also learning how to deal with it. Unless you've been through this you don't understand how big of a step that is.
I lost my husband. I lost half of my life. Half. Not all. I have the ability to pick back up and keep going. While it is not easy, and at time I don't want to do it at all, I know I have to. It's hard. So hard, to pick up by yourself and keep going. An older couple came into an ice cream shop I was at and instantly I hated them. I hated what they had, and what was taken from me. Sure, someday, I may get to be that little old couple, but not with the person I originally started out with. Looking at other happy people only makes you want what you had that much more. There's a ray of sunshine somewhere in the future. I know it's there. It's just being patient enough to wait for it to break over the horizon. It's always darkest before the dawn, right?
I lost my husband. I lost half of my life. Half. Not all. I have the ability to pick back up and keep going. While it is not easy, and at time I don't want to do it at all, I know I have to. It's hard. So hard, to pick up by yourself and keep going. An older couple came into an ice cream shop I was at and instantly I hated them. I hated what they had, and what was taken from me. Sure, someday, I may get to be that little old couple, but not with the person I originally started out with. Looking at other happy people only makes you want what you had that much more. There's a ray of sunshine somewhere in the future. I know it's there. It's just being patient enough to wait for it to break over the horizon. It's always darkest before the dawn, right?
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The Meeting.
I wonder who met you on the other side? Who you greet when someone else comes.
I can only hope that you have people there with you, as I do with me. I hope that the people that are here for me that have lost someone close are there with you to help you. We've all crossed paths for a reason. Maybe they're helping you learn how to help me.
I like to think that the same group of people down here, our group of people (wherever you are) are all together as well.
It's amazing what we do in our minds to try to sugar coat things.
I can only hope that you have people there with you, as I do with me. I hope that the people that are here for me that have lost someone close are there with you to help you. We've all crossed paths for a reason. Maybe they're helping you learn how to help me.
I like to think that the same group of people down here, our group of people (wherever you are) are all together as well.
It's amazing what we do in our minds to try to sugar coat things.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
"It hurts" can't even describe it.
It hurts.
Everything hurts.
It's a pain you can't describe unless you've been there and experienced it for yourself.
There isn't a pill to dull the pain. There isn't a drink to wash it away.
It's a pain that hurts, aches. Sometimes it's a sharp, stabbing, can't catch your breath kind of pain. Other times it's a dull ache that you want to rub away, but there's no way of doing it.
When you're faced with a new life everyday, a new life you didn't choose, how do you think you would feel? Being thrown into a world of emptiness, heart ache, and the worst one of all loneliness.
Somehow you have to keep the smile on your face. Somehow you have to live through the pain. While it's not easy, it's something you know you have to do. For yourself.
Everything hurts.
It's a pain you can't describe unless you've been there and experienced it for yourself.
There isn't a pill to dull the pain. There isn't a drink to wash it away.
It's a pain that hurts, aches. Sometimes it's a sharp, stabbing, can't catch your breath kind of pain. Other times it's a dull ache that you want to rub away, but there's no way of doing it.
When you're faced with a new life everyday, a new life you didn't choose, how do you think you would feel? Being thrown into a world of emptiness, heart ache, and the worst one of all loneliness.
Somehow you have to keep the smile on your face. Somehow you have to live through the pain. While it's not easy, it's something you know you have to do. For yourself.
Monday, January 2, 2012
All new beginnings
It's officially 2012.
It's the first full year I'm going to have without Dustin. It'll be ok though. I have a lot to look forward to. It's a new year and a new life starting. This is day 2 of being able to pick myself up and keep going.
It's the first full year I'm going to have without Dustin. It'll be ok though. I have a lot to look forward to. It's a new year and a new life starting. This is day 2 of being able to pick myself up and keep going.
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