Everything happens for a reason.
I do believe that, to a point. Sometimes I believe the reason is our own stupidity. But the moments, when something just happens, and you know the hand of the other side was helping, there's a reason.
Normally, on an occasion like that, my heart would be in a million pieces. Breaking apart of what should have been. Not that I'm over what should have been, but I'm just well aware of what can't be. I've learned to pick myself up and slowly stitch together my broken heart. A helping hand helped stitch a few more pieces tonight. In the weirdest of places and incidents.
Patience really is a virtue. Karma really does come around. Waiting is the hardest part. I don't believe karma is always bad, but simply an eye opener.
"Look what you're missing."
Is whatever battle you're fighting with someone, with yourself really worth missing out on something else so tiny, pure, and precious?
I think sometimes we forget to ask ourselves that.
Today. I hope in the eyes of someone else, reality hit. Not the bad kind, but that soft, sobering kind that simply says, "Is what I'm doing really worth it, or right? Look at what I'm missing."
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
It's the little things.
"Well you do what you do and you pay for your sins, And there’s no such
thing as what might’ve been, that’s a waste of time; drive you outta
your mind" - Tim Mcgraw
Oh, how I love me some Timmy.
But, something about these lyrics is just....right.
There are so many "what if's" that I could literally drive myself mad. I promised myself, when Dustin first died, I would NOT what if myself.
"What if I just talked to him for five more minutes."
"What if I didn't."
"What if I asked to go."
"What if I took him up on his 'offer' before he walked out the door."
What if....
Five minutes, actually probably more like two minutes, and this life would be completely different. My life literally changed in an instant because of a split second decision. On who's decision? I'll never know, nor do I want to know.
I'll drive myself out of my mind. It's a waste of time.
I can't change what happened. I can only rise from it.
Let me tell you, rising isn't all that easy. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes I feel like I could out lift some of those Olympian weight lifters with all the emotional baggage I have. But, I'm slowly learning to unpack it myself. Not carrying so much.
Not exactly letting go, but just putting it on a different shelf in my heart, head, and soul.
My own special locket in my pocket.
A friend of mine told me a week or so ago one simple sentence that has stuck withe me. In this sentence it has made me stop and realize, I went through something tragic, but it is not who I am. Not deep down in.
It's time I start finding me. Pulling out my locket when I need it to remember, or to put something else in there. Because:
A widow is what I am, but it is not who I am.
Oh, how I love me some Timmy.
But, something about these lyrics is just....right.
There are so many "what if's" that I could literally drive myself mad. I promised myself, when Dustin first died, I would NOT what if myself.
"What if I just talked to him for five more minutes."
"What if I didn't."
"What if I asked to go."
"What if I took him up on his 'offer' before he walked out the door."
What if....
Five minutes, actually probably more like two minutes, and this life would be completely different. My life literally changed in an instant because of a split second decision. On who's decision? I'll never know, nor do I want to know.
I'll drive myself out of my mind. It's a waste of time.
I can't change what happened. I can only rise from it.
Let me tell you, rising isn't all that easy. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes I feel like I could out lift some of those Olympian weight lifters with all the emotional baggage I have. But, I'm slowly learning to unpack it myself. Not carrying so much.
Not exactly letting go, but just putting it on a different shelf in my heart, head, and soul.
My own special locket in my pocket.
A friend of mine told me a week or so ago one simple sentence that has stuck withe me. In this sentence it has made me stop and realize, I went through something tragic, but it is not who I am. Not deep down in.
It's time I start finding me. Pulling out my locket when I need it to remember, or to put something else in there. Because:
A widow is what I am, but it is not who I am.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Don't shoot the messenger...
I'm not a writer, I'm not a blogger. I attempt this and then fail. But here goes nothing at describing my belated birthday present.
I called a medium.
Someone from a completely different state. She only knew my name was "Beth." That's it. Nothing else. So basically anything she came up with that would validate anything would have to be legit.
So from what I understand about this woman, when you call her, she always starts off with a prayer. No big deal. I'm a firm believer that there are people out that they can hear the other side, and I do believe it's a gift from God. But that's an entirely different story.
I call this lady, and I hate calling people I don't know. It terrifies me. The phone rings, she picks up and tells me she'll call me back from a different phone. Ok, no big deal. So here's out it goes:
**Phone ring**
Me: Hello
E: Hi Beth, Sorry about that I just had to switch over to another line. You wanted a channeling correct?
Me: Yes.
E: Ok. Did your husband pass away?
Me: Yes (Now when I called and left her a message all I said was "I want what you just did for a friend of mine, a channeling. Which was almost a month ago I left this message.)
E: Do you have a song?
Me: Yes
E: Was he named after his dad?
Me: No
E: Somethings wrong with his name. Like he should have been named after his dad.
Me: *giggle*
E: You can understand that?
Me: Yes, I tried to convince him to let me name our son after him. (Alex was Dustin's only boy, I feel he deserved to be named after his father, but Dustin hated his name and totally would not go for it.)
E: Well he wants you to know he was wrong. He should've listened to you, and let you name him. OH MY! I forgot to open up with prayer! Your husband just came in so strong, and clear that he really wanted you to know about your sons name.
Now she prays. Now the funny thing is, I have since talked about changing Alex's name since Dustin has passed. But I never have because Dustin did actually name him and I wanted him to always have that. Nice to know I was right in the end though.
E: Oh your husband has a lot of energy. A lot of white energy. He's showing me pink. Something precious. Do you have a daughter?
Me: Yes
E: I'm getting the letter M. Do you know what that means?
Me: Her name is Makayla.
E: Well that's it. He wants you to know he is with you and your children. This is how he is validating that he's still with you. He's very sad he left. It was unexpected and he didn't want to go. It wasn't his fault. Do you keep telling the children about their father?
Me: Yes, we talk about him all the time.
E: I am getting that it's very important to you and him that they know him.
(Now this conversation is after I had just spent three hours making photobooks for the kids from all the toasts that people did on his angelversary.)
Me: Yes, it is.
E: Well, he wants all his children to know he can see them, and he watches over them. He is still with them. He protects them. He's giving me the color green which stands for safety. He wants his children to know he's protecting them. He also wants them to stay together. They need each other to heal, and to help each other remember him.
Me: Yes, he always said he wanted the four of them to stick together.
E: Well the closer they all are together, the easier it is for him to protect them.
Me: Ok.
E: I see a bride. Are his older girls old enough to marry?
Me: Not really.
E: It must be you. You are his bride. He was very proud that day. He really thought you two were going to grow old together. The short time you had together he wants you to know he had complete fulfillment of his life. He has a very good heart. Good soul. Wise soul. Is his mother in spirit also?
Me: Yes she is.
E: He wants you to know she is with him.
Me: Ok.
E: He sends you the color yellow. It's a very odd color to send. It doesn't make sense to me. Yellow. Like the sun. More like sun rays. Do you have anything with sun rays?
Me: I have a fascination with sun rays. (Anyone that has seen my facebook has noticed I take pictures of clouds, especially ones that show sun rays.)
E: It is his way of showing you he's still with you. That's him when you notice them. He's all around you, all the time. He touches you. Can you feel it when he does?
Me: Yes, I have before.
E: He pokes you?
Me: *giggle* yes. (I have been poked on the bottom of my foot and tapped on my shoulder) I believe I see him too.
E: Yes, you do see him. And you do know when he's around. You can sense his presence. You two have a very high energy together. You were soul mates. Very tight connection. You two are like a ray of sunshine. You will never be broken. You know your love with him is eternal, but he wants you to move on. He wants your heart to heal. He says you need protected. He wants you safe.
(Now, there is more to this story that I will leave out because very very very few people know the truth. Let's just say she points out specific people of his family members, and what they have done. And if he could talk to them he would tell them, a he in particular, "He has hell to pay." It was a huge validation to me that it was actually Dustin she was talking to. There is no way she could have hit the points on that she did.)
E: This is why your husband wants you to move on. He knows you have a lot more life to live and he wants you to be protected. Your children to be safe. He also wants you to have fun with life. Stop being so serious. Why are you serious?
Me: I'm not really. I'm just concerned I won't be here for my children, so there are things I can't do now.
E: I'm confused. Why can't you do things? Are you ill?
Me: No, just stupid things. Careless. Like going on 4 wheelers or motorcycles.
E: Oh no! Have fun! I was confused because I thought you were saying you're ill when I can see you living a long life. Now, I understand. Have fun. He wants you to have fun.
***Slight pause***
E: You have a wonderful talent with your camera. He keeps showing me you with a camera. You have a great talent.
Me: What??
E: Yes. He's showing me you with a camera. Your business is going to grow. Like your life. It's all growing. You've put yourself on the right road that you need. This road you put yourself on will give you everything you need.
Me: I just started a business thing a few weeks ago. (Dude, there is no way she would've known this. None. At all. And of all hobbies to pick, photography?!)
E: You have a very good talent. You connect with it. Photography touches your soul.
Me: I've always said it relaxes me. That's why I love it. I let loose with it.
E: Yes. It connects with you. I see you going international with it. Not sure where. Maybe Italy. Either way it's going to be big, and with children. You're going to do something with children.
Me: They are my favorite to shoot.
E: Yes. Your story, your life experience, is going to be what drives you with this photography. Like maybe a book. You're going to do a book with photography that helps children with grief. This is your purpose. To help other people that are grieving. You're also going to meet your next husband through this line.
(I should've asked a time frame.)
E: This is amazing. You have such talent. Your husband is showing it all to me. You new husband, you will start a new family together.
Me: New family? Like more kids?
E: No. I see no more children for you, but he will come in and step up and be apart of the new family.
Me: I'm terrified it won't be as good.
E: That's a common fear. But this will be. You will grow old together. Stick to your photography, it is big with you. But, he keeps showing me something foreign. What are you going to school for?
Me: Health Information Technology.
E: No. That will help you for now, but you won't be doing that. Photography. Your camera. You're going international. How long has you're husband been gone?
Me: Two years.
E: Oh, year three. This is your inspiring year. This is your year. Your goddess is going to wake up. You're going to realize you're a woman again. This is the year for you. I'm amazed at how clear and strong your husband is. He will always be connected with you. Your next husband will know and understand that. Stay away from those that don't mean good. You have a good path going. You have great things coming. Does the phrase "Every cloud has a silver lining" mean anything to you?
Me: No. Well sort of. We used to always tell each other it'll be alright. Everything will work out and it'll be alright. I even have a tattoo on my back that says "I'll be alright because you're with me."
E: Yes. That's along the same lines. He is with you. I hope this brought you peace. You're a strong woman. You're an Earth sign. Strong.
So we hang up. There's some other parts and questions but nothing as cool as that. But, one weird thing, Alex was watching "Hop" while I was on the phone. As I walked downstairs, at the same time, the little bunny dude says "It's the silver lining." Or something mentioning a silver lining. How about that? Maybe Dustin was watching the movie with his son. Who knows. But either way. I'm pretty sure I spoke with him today. Happy belated birthday to me.
I called a medium.
Someone from a completely different state. She only knew my name was "Beth." That's it. Nothing else. So basically anything she came up with that would validate anything would have to be legit.
So from what I understand about this woman, when you call her, she always starts off with a prayer. No big deal. I'm a firm believer that there are people out that they can hear the other side, and I do believe it's a gift from God. But that's an entirely different story.
I call this lady, and I hate calling people I don't know. It terrifies me. The phone rings, she picks up and tells me she'll call me back from a different phone. Ok, no big deal. So here's out it goes:
**Phone ring**
Me: Hello
E: Hi Beth, Sorry about that I just had to switch over to another line. You wanted a channeling correct?
Me: Yes.
E: Ok. Did your husband pass away?
Me: Yes (Now when I called and left her a message all I said was "I want what you just did for a friend of mine, a channeling. Which was almost a month ago I left this message.)
E: Do you have a song?
Me: Yes
E: Was he named after his dad?
Me: No
E: Somethings wrong with his name. Like he should have been named after his dad.
Me: *giggle*
E: You can understand that?
Me: Yes, I tried to convince him to let me name our son after him. (Alex was Dustin's only boy, I feel he deserved to be named after his father, but Dustin hated his name and totally would not go for it.)
E: Well he wants you to know he was wrong. He should've listened to you, and let you name him. OH MY! I forgot to open up with prayer! Your husband just came in so strong, and clear that he really wanted you to know about your sons name.
Now she prays. Now the funny thing is, I have since talked about changing Alex's name since Dustin has passed. But I never have because Dustin did actually name him and I wanted him to always have that. Nice to know I was right in the end though.
E: Oh your husband has a lot of energy. A lot of white energy. He's showing me pink. Something precious. Do you have a daughter?
Me: Yes
E: I'm getting the letter M. Do you know what that means?
Me: Her name is Makayla.
E: Well that's it. He wants you to know he is with you and your children. This is how he is validating that he's still with you. He's very sad he left. It was unexpected and he didn't want to go. It wasn't his fault. Do you keep telling the children about their father?
Me: Yes, we talk about him all the time.
E: I am getting that it's very important to you and him that they know him.
(Now this conversation is after I had just spent three hours making photobooks for the kids from all the toasts that people did on his angelversary.)
Me: Yes, it is.
E: Well, he wants all his children to know he can see them, and he watches over them. He is still with them. He protects them. He's giving me the color green which stands for safety. He wants his children to know he's protecting them. He also wants them to stay together. They need each other to heal, and to help each other remember him.
Me: Yes, he always said he wanted the four of them to stick together.
E: Well the closer they all are together, the easier it is for him to protect them.
Me: Ok.
E: I see a bride. Are his older girls old enough to marry?
Me: Not really.
E: It must be you. You are his bride. He was very proud that day. He really thought you two were going to grow old together. The short time you had together he wants you to know he had complete fulfillment of his life. He has a very good heart. Good soul. Wise soul. Is his mother in spirit also?
Me: Yes she is.
E: He wants you to know she is with him.
Me: Ok.
E: He sends you the color yellow. It's a very odd color to send. It doesn't make sense to me. Yellow. Like the sun. More like sun rays. Do you have anything with sun rays?
Me: I have a fascination with sun rays. (Anyone that has seen my facebook has noticed I take pictures of clouds, especially ones that show sun rays.)
E: It is his way of showing you he's still with you. That's him when you notice them. He's all around you, all the time. He touches you. Can you feel it when he does?
Me: Yes, I have before.
E: He pokes you?
Me: *giggle* yes. (I have been poked on the bottom of my foot and tapped on my shoulder) I believe I see him too.
E: Yes, you do see him. And you do know when he's around. You can sense his presence. You two have a very high energy together. You were soul mates. Very tight connection. You two are like a ray of sunshine. You will never be broken. You know your love with him is eternal, but he wants you to move on. He wants your heart to heal. He says you need protected. He wants you safe.
(Now, there is more to this story that I will leave out because very very very few people know the truth. Let's just say she points out specific people of his family members, and what they have done. And if he could talk to them he would tell them, a he in particular, "He has hell to pay." It was a huge validation to me that it was actually Dustin she was talking to. There is no way she could have hit the points on that she did.)
E: This is why your husband wants you to move on. He knows you have a lot more life to live and he wants you to be protected. Your children to be safe. He also wants you to have fun with life. Stop being so serious. Why are you serious?
Me: I'm not really. I'm just concerned I won't be here for my children, so there are things I can't do now.
E: I'm confused. Why can't you do things? Are you ill?
Me: No, just stupid things. Careless. Like going on 4 wheelers or motorcycles.
E: Oh no! Have fun! I was confused because I thought you were saying you're ill when I can see you living a long life. Now, I understand. Have fun. He wants you to have fun.
***Slight pause***
E: You have a wonderful talent with your camera. He keeps showing me you with a camera. You have a great talent.
Me: What??
E: Yes. He's showing me you with a camera. Your business is going to grow. Like your life. It's all growing. You've put yourself on the right road that you need. This road you put yourself on will give you everything you need.
Me: I just started a business thing a few weeks ago. (Dude, there is no way she would've known this. None. At all. And of all hobbies to pick, photography?!)
E: You have a very good talent. You connect with it. Photography touches your soul.
Me: I've always said it relaxes me. That's why I love it. I let loose with it.
E: Yes. It connects with you. I see you going international with it. Not sure where. Maybe Italy. Either way it's going to be big, and with children. You're going to do something with children.
Me: They are my favorite to shoot.
E: Yes. Your story, your life experience, is going to be what drives you with this photography. Like maybe a book. You're going to do a book with photography that helps children with grief. This is your purpose. To help other people that are grieving. You're also going to meet your next husband through this line.
(I should've asked a time frame.)
E: This is amazing. You have such talent. Your husband is showing it all to me. You new husband, you will start a new family together.
Me: New family? Like more kids?
E: No. I see no more children for you, but he will come in and step up and be apart of the new family.
Me: I'm terrified it won't be as good.
E: That's a common fear. But this will be. You will grow old together. Stick to your photography, it is big with you. But, he keeps showing me something foreign. What are you going to school for?
Me: Health Information Technology.
E: No. That will help you for now, but you won't be doing that. Photography. Your camera. You're going international. How long has you're husband been gone?
Me: Two years.
E: Oh, year three. This is your inspiring year. This is your year. Your goddess is going to wake up. You're going to realize you're a woman again. This is the year for you. I'm amazed at how clear and strong your husband is. He will always be connected with you. Your next husband will know and understand that. Stay away from those that don't mean good. You have a good path going. You have great things coming. Does the phrase "Every cloud has a silver lining" mean anything to you?
Me: No. Well sort of. We used to always tell each other it'll be alright. Everything will work out and it'll be alright. I even have a tattoo on my back that says "I'll be alright because you're with me."
E: Yes. That's along the same lines. He is with you. I hope this brought you peace. You're a strong woman. You're an Earth sign. Strong.
So we hang up. There's some other parts and questions but nothing as cool as that. But, one weird thing, Alex was watching "Hop" while I was on the phone. As I walked downstairs, at the same time, the little bunny dude says "It's the silver lining." Or something mentioning a silver lining. How about that? Maybe Dustin was watching the movie with his son. Who knows. But either way. I'm pretty sure I spoke with him today. Happy belated birthday to me.
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