Let it be

Three of the hardest words/sayings to listen to...Let it be, or leave it alone, or just walk away.

How do you do any of that when you know someone you love is going to get hurt? But at the same time they may get hurt if you don't do any of those three things.

I wish people could grow up. Let things go. Look at what you have in front of you and be happy that you still have it! Not all of us our fortunate enough. Why push someone to their limit? Why make them miserable? At the same time...why should I care?

Why do I have to be such a caring person and worry about everyone else and their happiness and not my own? I really do believe the whole Virgo thing fits me.

I care to much about people. I get invested to easily, and all I want to see is people happy. I hate when people aren't happy. I always want to fix things.

It's time to concentrate on me. I can't help my kids until I help myself.

The hardest thing for me to do...say screw you it's time for me to be selfish.

What I mess I am

This whole "learning to live on your own thing" is for the birds. I like having someone else live with me. I, am a chicken. Yes I know this. It is why I have never lived alone. After having my skin scared off me I have realized I need to learn to defend myself. Whether it be a woman's defense class, or as far as shooting a gun, either way I need to learn it. Walking around in a robe with a bed rail is not going to cut it if someone were to ever break in. Sometimes I feel so helpless. But, I'm going to change that.

Yesterday was a good day! I went through some boxes and found old photo albums, Dustin's clothes, and some things I have been looking for around the house. I spent the majority of the day going through pictures. Then I remembered MySpace! How could we forget MySpace. I found so many more pictures! Then I got the bright idea to ask friends to start posting pictures they have. Needless to say I was up really late with friends having posting wars of pictures of Dustin. Made my night. Seeing pictures I have either never seen before or haven't seen in a long time. I'm so thankful I have people that have pictures of him and they're willing to share.

I know this may sound weird but I think Dustin was around last night. I did something different, that I've never done before and made a place for Daddy at the dinner table with us last night.

After dinner is when I really got into the pictures. After the kids went to bed, and I was done with pictures for the night I decided to take a shower. Nothing unusual taking a shower while the kids are asleep. Lord knows I can't take one when Alex is awake because hard telling what he'll get into. So I take my shower, a nice long hot one so I could relax, and when I get out I heard this loud CRASH. Sounded like pots and pans falling. Now I have some pans still in boxes because I barely use them and they take up room that I don't have much of. So I thought maybe a box fell. Kinda odd a box would fall because it's directly under the basement window. Then my mind starts going crazy. Someone came in my window. Here I am naked, upstairs, with nothing to defend myself. So what do I do, grab a robe (no tie), and a bed rail from the water bed. I stand at the top of the stairs for what felt like forever trying to listen to see if I hear anybody. Nothing. So I venture downstairs, bed rail in hand, one step at a time to find nobody on the first floor. I check all the windows and locks, secure. So now it's time to go downstairs. I'm praying that nobody is hiding under the stairs so they can't grab my ankles and make me fall. Or look up my robe. Nothing. No boxes had fallen either. What made the loud bang? Then I notice it, my clothes rack fell. How it fell I'm not sure. It's stable. It would have to be pushed over to fall. It's never moved in over the month we have lived here. Odd. So I venture to check out the basement, all hiding spots, under the table, under the stairs, behind the washer and dryer...nothing. Whew. Now I can finally go to bed at 2 a.m.! Maybe. I venture off into lala land finally and wake up FREEZING. Thought maybe it was because of my ceiling fan. Nope. I get out of bed and it's chilly. I come down stairs and look at the heater, it's 63 degrees in the house! The thermostat was set at 70 last night, I look, and the little knob is pulled all the way down below 50! How it changed or moved I don't know. So I've adjusted my heat, made some coffee and now I'm warm again. This all just makes me think that Dustin came by to say a very creepy hello. He loved to scare me.

Sometimes I think I got this grief thing. Like right now, I got this, but deep down inside of me I'm just waiting for the next hurdle. I know there's going to be one. So I have to use this time to build up my strength so I can handle the next boulder coming down the mountain. 

Grief is a life long process you learn to deal with. It's kind of  like a silent disease. It can kill you if you don't face it head on.

Giggle Giggle

I love having good days. It almost makes me feel like I'm walking in the right direction. I hate that I'm walking alone now, but I just keep telling myself he walks with me just not in the same way.

I felt him the other day. I can't explain it, but I did. Makes me realize how much my heart hurts. Someday I will be with him again. Till then I will take the feelings for now.

I have realized through this experience that I am no longer afraid of death. I almost look forward to it. How many people can say that? No, I'm not having any suicidal thoughts. It's just that I know there's another place after this and I'm looking forward to being there. I have to learn to love life again. Right now I'm just living, I'm here because I have to be. Makayla and Alex need me. Eventually someone will come along and give me a reason to live again.

I have awhile for that. But it's nice to know my head, and heart are opening up to the idea. I will ALWAYS love Dustin. He was my best friend, my soul mate.

Who says you can't have two soul mates in your life? I'm unfortunate to have to be a widow. But I'm fortunate enough to know what love is and have experienced it.

Till next time.

Up, Up, and Away

For once, I had a good day yesterday! I actually felt a bit normal.

First we spent the morning going to breakfast, then we went to the zoo! Couldn't let a bright sunny February day go to waste. We went, we had fun.

I'm so thankful for my family. To step up and help make my kids happy. Help me take my mind off things. I know they had a good time yesterday.

It even ended nicely. Went to the movies with some great friends and saw "This Means War." One of thee funniest movies I've seen in a LONG while! Reese Witherspoon sure does pick some good movies to be in. I think I could even go back and watch it again. :)

After we got home and I got the kids to bed I usually always stay up. I don't know why but the night always seems to get to me. So I went to bed before the loneliness fully got a hold of me.

I don't know why but my dreams have a way of messing with me. First, a couple nights ago, I dreamed Alex died. I just kept seeing him being my "angel baby." That dream/nightmare scares the crap out of me. Then, last night, I dreamed of Dustin. While most might think that's a good thing these dreams are not good. For some reason I keep dreaming that we're getting a divorce. He's leaving me. Doesn't want to work on our marriage and has been cheating on me. I don't know where these dreams come from, but I don't like them. Why can't I dream happy dreams? Needless to say I didn't wake up to happy. Stuff like that always puts a damper on me.

But, today is a new day, and we shall see what it has in store. As of right now...it's housework. Yipee. :)

Stuck in the middle

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I have great family and friends that take care of me.
Today was ok. Had a good evening. Normal day I guess.
Tomorrow is a whole new day. A new milestone. A new adventure.

I need to take each day as it is and stop trying to make the days horrible. Life is already hard. I need to start trying to find my rainbow. If I have to make my own wind to put in my own sails than so be it. I'm going to try anyway. I'll never know until I try.

I want to feel my old normal so bad, but I know I can never be that person ever again. I am now officially this new person. I need to take what I have been given and make do. For some reason I have been put in this position, and I'm going to learn to embrace it. Embrace the new me. Yes there are things I can now no longer handle, and yes things affect me differently than what they used to. Doesn't mean I can't learn to deal with those things. It's just going to take awhile.

For once I understand the statement "It just takes time" a little more clearer.

Let it begin

I have made it to Valentine's Day. Let the melt down begin.

Did we celebrate like some people do? No. But we did celebrate it. We shared our love for each other every day, but a little more on Valentine's Day. It's hard to sit here. I want him back so bad. I want to hold him in my arms and never let go. Mine. I want what was mine back.

In two days I'll also be hitting a landmark date. 6 months. Half a year. Where did it go? I feel like at 6 months I should be feeling better. Moving on with life. Instead I feel like I'm going backwards. I can't take this. I can't do this anymore. The emptiness is eating me alive. The crying is wearing me out. Lack of sleep is making me even more emotionally unstable.

I think people are getting tired of listening to me. Wondering how much longer they're going to have to hear about this. Deal with my mood swings and up and down emotions. How much longer can I ask of people to listen?

I keep repeating to myself, "6 months, I should be better!" But I'm not. I'm just as fragile now as the day I found out. 6 months just means the shock has worn off, reality has set it, and I now know nothing I can do can fix anything.

I've fallen. Straight on my face. Where do I find the strength to pick myself back up?

We fall down, but we get up

Life really is an emotional roller coaster. You have your ups and then you have your downs. You fall, and you get back up. I have learned that there are things and times that I can't control. I'm also learning how to deal with it. Unless you've been through this you don't understand how big of a step that is.

I lost my husband. I lost half of my life. Half. Not all. I have the ability to pick back up and keep going. While it is not easy, and at time I don't want to do it at all, I know I have to. It's hard. So hard, to pick up by yourself and keep going. An older couple came into an ice cream shop I was at and instantly I hated them. I hated what they had, and what was taken from me. Sure, someday, I may get to be that little old couple, but not with the person I originally started out with. Looking at other happy people only makes you want what you had that much more. There's a ray of sunshine somewhere in the future. I know it's there. It's just being patient enough to wait for it to break over the horizon. It's always darkest before the dawn, right?

The Meeting.

I wonder who met you on the other side? Who you greet when someone else comes.

I can only hope that you have people there with you, as I do with me. I hope that the people that are here for me that have lost someone close are there with you to help you. We've all crossed paths for a reason. Maybe they're helping you learn how to help me.

I like to think that the same group of people down here, our group of people (wherever you are) are all together as well.

It's amazing what we do in our minds to try to sugar coat things.

"It hurts" can't even describe it.

It hurts.

Everything hurts.

It's a pain you can't describe unless you've been there and experienced it for yourself.

There isn't a pill to dull the pain. There isn't a drink to wash it away.

It's a pain that hurts, aches. Sometimes it's a sharp, stabbing, can't catch your breath kind of pain. Other times it's a dull ache that you want to rub away, but there's no way of doing it.

When you're faced with a new life everyday, a new life you didn't choose, how do you think you would feel? Being thrown into a world of emptiness, heart ache, and the worst one of all loneliness.

Somehow you have to keep the smile on your face. Somehow you have to live through the pain. While it's not easy, it's something you know you have to do. For yourself.