Shameless

Everything happens for a reason.

I do believe that, to a point. Sometimes I believe the reason is our own stupidity. But the moments, when something just happens, and you know the hand of the other side was helping, there's a reason.

Normally, on an occasion like that, my heart would be in a million pieces. Breaking apart of what should have been. Not that I'm over what should have been, but I'm just well aware of what can't be. I've learned to pick myself up and slowly stitch together my broken heart. A helping hand helped stitch a few more pieces tonight. In the weirdest of places and incidents.

Patience really is a virtue. Karma really does come around. Waiting is the hardest part. I don't believe karma is always bad, but simply an eye opener.

"Look what you're missing."

Is whatever battle you're fighting with someone, with yourself really worth missing out on something else so tiny, pure, and precious?

I think sometimes we forget to ask ourselves that.

Today. I hope in the eyes of someone else, reality hit. Not the bad kind, but that soft, sobering kind that simply says, "Is what I'm doing really worth it, or right? Look at what I'm missing."

It's the little things.

"Well you do what you do and you pay for your sins, And there’s no such thing as what might’ve been, that’s a waste of time; drive you outta your mind" - Tim Mcgraw

Oh, how I love me some Timmy.

But, something about these lyrics is just....right.

There are so many "what if's" that I could literally drive myself mad. I promised myself, when Dustin first died, I would NOT what if myself.

"What if I just talked to him for five more minutes."
"What if I didn't."
"What if I asked to go."
"What if I took him up on his 'offer' before he walked out the door."

What if....

Five minutes, actually probably more like two minutes, and this life would be completely different. My life literally changed in an instant because of a split second decision. On who's decision? I'll never know, nor do I want to know.

I'll drive myself out of my mind. It's a waste of time.

I can't change what happened. I can only rise from it.

Let me tell you, rising isn't all that easy. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes I feel like I could out lift some of those Olympian weight lifters with all the emotional baggage I have. But, I'm slowly learning to unpack it myself. Not carrying so much.

Not exactly letting go, but just putting it on a different shelf in my heart, head, and soul.

My own special locket in my pocket.

A friend of mine told me a week or so ago one simple sentence that has stuck withe me. In this sentence it has made me stop and realize, I went through something tragic, but it is not who I am. Not deep down in.

It's time I start finding me. Pulling out my locket when I need it to remember, or to put something else in there. Because:

A widow is what I am, but it is not who I am.