My biggest hurdle this week, our anniversary. It would have officially been one full "leap" year of marriage. We were both so excited for it. We had big plans for it. Not very many people know but we were planning to renew our vowels with all our friends and family. Unfortunately we were not able to do that. 6 months short :(
That's ok. He made it up to me the best he could. He knew I would need a laugh this week. He knew it was going to be incredibly rough on me, and that I had a huge boulder hit me head on. I'm glad he still watches over me. You feel kind of special when you know you have a special guardian.
So while Tuesday was not an ideal day, and I learned a lot, I was afraid it was the beginning of a melt down. I'm sure he is not pleased with everything that has happened or what it currently going on, but there is nothing that he or I can do about it. So we just have to let it be, pick up, and move on. It's all I can do. Some things are beyond repair, I'm aware of that, I feel bad. Terrible. But what do you do? I had to cut it from my life. I have to walk away. It's best for everyone. I cried a lot Tuesday. But, once again, friends and family to the rescue. Giving me that pep talk that I needed. <3 They truly are what keep me going.
Now Wednesday! It's official. LEAP DAY! On this day, 4 years ago, Dustin and I took the leap on Leap Day. I remember the day. Even though it was a spur of the moment deal and it didn't involve all our family and friends, it didn't matter. We had each other. Till death do us part. Unfortunately that's what it came down to all to soon for me. As I will forever think about him, he will forever be in my heart. I will always have that empty space, a void that can never be filled. It's ok though. I love him. I always will. I am not ashamed of that.
I know a lot of people were worried about me on this day. It's a lot to have to go through the firsts, and nobody wants to do it alone. I'm so glad I have people that care enough to make sure I'm ok and not a burden. I really am at this point where I feel like I'm a burden. People have to be tired of hearing me talk about being a widow and what I'm going through, but it's such a BIG part of my life that I really don't know what else to talk about. It doesn't matter to some though. They still listen, they still care. Really helps the heart heal.
I really had all intentions of staying inside all day Wednesday. It was a beautiful day. Really should be spent outside, but I knew outside meant motorcycles and people enjoying the weather that my husband and I can no longer share together. We still share it, he gave me that special, beautiful day. That morning, Dustin's best friend, decided that I needed out of the house. He took Alex and I to some breakfast, and then told me to pick what we're doing next. Me, being the lets stay inside person, wanted to just go home, but he wasn't going to let me. Instead we decided to go to the park. It was such a great distraction. Alex played in the mud and water, and we walked more than I have in a LONG time. It was great. Great stories talking about Dustin. If anyone wants to comfort me the first thing to do is just talk about Dustin. Yes I may cry, but it puts me at such ease knowing I'm not the only one missing him.
After the park it was time to go home because Makayla would be getting out of school soon. Alex and I walked down to get her and on our way back I noticed a floral truck turning down our street. At the time I didn't think nothing of it, and I'm not sure why it even stood out to me, but it did. As we cross the street and start walking down our street to the house I notice the floral truck was sitting on my side of the road in front of my complex. How sweet I thought. Someone's getting flowers. The closer I got, the more I realized he was at MY front door. I immediately started crying. I went through this stage where I never wanted flowers, ever. I had seen enough flowers from the funeral. They filled my entire kitchen and half my living room!
Who would want flowers after seeing all of those! Flowers, the smell of them, the look of them just had a ruined meaning for me. While I did get some flowers for Valentines Day they just didn't do it for me. The delivery man got tired of waiting for me to answer the door I saw him just put the flowers down and start to walk to his truck. It was a cute little romantic set of flowers that came with a teddy bear.
When I read who they were from I had the biggest smile on my face. Through the tears I knew I still had people who loved and cared about me. Even though they went behind my back and tricked me it was still a great surprise. I left these on my table. Every so often throughout the night I would look over at them and smile. The idea of flowers again was starting to grow on me. So now I have these beautiful flowers, and still have a dinner to go to! I go to dinner, prime rib for Dustin, and then we go see a movie. Wanderlust. Oh boy, full of hippies and sex! Funny. Now its time for home and sleep. I really had a great anniversary, because of my friends and family.
But oh wait! It's not over. It's now Thursday and there's a knock on my door. MORE FLOWERS! What?! Well come to find out, the first set I got wasn't really the correct order. So I got replacement flowers. I thought my friends were just being silly and surprising me again as a "ha ha" with replacement flowers.
Come to find out, neither of these orders were correct. It's ok though. I have officially gotten over my fear of flowers simply by learning to laugh at the mess up of other people. It was entertaining. Since these weren't correct either...guess what..It's now Friday and who knocks at the door?? The flower man! With MORE flowers!
By this time I have laughing so hard the poor guy probably thought I was crazy. But oh wait, it's still not over. The flower man had to come back because he forgot my bear.
How about that. An angel bear. It was then that it clicked. Dustin sure did have some fun messing all of this up. He knew I'd need a laugh. What better way than THREE DAYS of flowers at my door. Isn't that every girls dream? On our anniversary Dustin always bought me flowers, and two cards. A funny card, and a romantic card.
Romantic card = the pink and red set
Funny card = the yellow set
Flowers = the correct arrangement with the angel bear. Letting me know he's still with me.
It's the simple things that put a smile on our face and help us to keep going. It's support and friendships. If it wasn't for these people I'm not sure how I would've handled this week. For all I know it could've took over me and it could've been the end. Remember to always be there for each other. You never know what is going on in their head and when they'll need you most. I need Dustin and I need my support team. Dustin made sure I got it all.
Happy Anniversary Honey. I love you.
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