I love having good days. It almost makes me feel like I'm walking in the right direction. I hate that I'm walking alone now, but I just keep telling myself he walks with me just not in the same way.
I felt him the other day. I can't explain it, but I did. Makes me realize how much my heart hurts. Someday I will be with him again. Till then I will take the feelings for now.
I have realized through this experience that I am no longer afraid of death. I almost look forward to it. How many people can say that? No, I'm not having any suicidal thoughts. It's just that I know there's another place after this and I'm looking forward to being there. I have to learn to love life again. Right now I'm just living, I'm here because I have to be. Makayla and Alex need me. Eventually someone will come along and give me a reason to live again.
I have awhile for that. But it's nice to know my head, and heart are opening up to the idea. I will ALWAYS love Dustin. He was my best friend, my soul mate.
Who says you can't have two soul mates in your life? I'm unfortunate to have to be a widow. But I'm fortunate enough to know what love is and have experienced it.
Till next time.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Up, Up, and Away
For once, I had a good day yesterday! I actually felt a bit normal.
First we spent the morning going to breakfast, then we went to the zoo! Couldn't let a bright sunny February day go to waste. We went, we had fun.
I'm so thankful for my family. To step up and help make my kids happy. Help me take my mind off things. I know they had a good time yesterday.
It even ended nicely. Went to the movies with some great friends and saw "This Means War." One of thee funniest movies I've seen in a LONG while! Reese Witherspoon sure does pick some good movies to be in. I think I could even go back and watch it again. :)
After we got home and I got the kids to bed I usually always stay up. I don't know why but the night always seems to get to me. So I went to bed before the loneliness fully got a hold of me.
I don't know why but my dreams have a way of messing with me. First, a couple nights ago, I dreamed Alex died. I just kept seeing him being my "angel baby." That dream/nightmare scares the crap out of me. Then, last night, I dreamed of Dustin. While most might think that's a good thing these dreams are not good. For some reason I keep dreaming that we're getting a divorce. He's leaving me. Doesn't want to work on our marriage and has been cheating on me. I don't know where these dreams come from, but I don't like them. Why can't I dream happy dreams? Needless to say I didn't wake up to happy. Stuff like that always puts a damper on me.
But, today is a new day, and we shall see what it has in store. As of right now...it's housework. Yipee. :)
First we spent the morning going to breakfast, then we went to the zoo! Couldn't let a bright sunny February day go to waste. We went, we had fun.
I'm so thankful for my family. To step up and help make my kids happy. Help me take my mind off things. I know they had a good time yesterday.
It even ended nicely. Went to the movies with some great friends and saw "This Means War." One of thee funniest movies I've seen in a LONG while! Reese Witherspoon sure does pick some good movies to be in. I think I could even go back and watch it again. :)
After we got home and I got the kids to bed I usually always stay up. I don't know why but the night always seems to get to me. So I went to bed before the loneliness fully got a hold of me.
I don't know why but my dreams have a way of messing with me. First, a couple nights ago, I dreamed Alex died. I just kept seeing him being my "angel baby." That dream/nightmare scares the crap out of me. Then, last night, I dreamed of Dustin. While most might think that's a good thing these dreams are not good. For some reason I keep dreaming that we're getting a divorce. He's leaving me. Doesn't want to work on our marriage and has been cheating on me. I don't know where these dreams come from, but I don't like them. Why can't I dream happy dreams? Needless to say I didn't wake up to happy. Stuff like that always puts a damper on me.
But, today is a new day, and we shall see what it has in store. As of right now...it's housework. Yipee. :)
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Stuck in the middle
Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I have great family and friends that take care of me.
Today was ok. Had a good evening. Normal day I guess.
Tomorrow is a whole new day. A new milestone. A new adventure.
I need to take each day as it is and stop trying to make the days horrible. Life is already hard. I need to start trying to find my rainbow. If I have to make my own wind to put in my own sails than so be it. I'm going to try anyway. I'll never know until I try.
I want to feel my old normal so bad, but I know I can never be that person ever again. I am now officially this new person. I need to take what I have been given and make do. For some reason I have been put in this position, and I'm going to learn to embrace it. Embrace the new me. Yes there are things I can now no longer handle, and yes things affect me differently than what they used to. Doesn't mean I can't learn to deal with those things. It's just going to take awhile.
For once I understand the statement "It just takes time" a little more clearer.
Today was ok. Had a good evening. Normal day I guess.
Tomorrow is a whole new day. A new milestone. A new adventure.
I need to take each day as it is and stop trying to make the days horrible. Life is already hard. I need to start trying to find my rainbow. If I have to make my own wind to put in my own sails than so be it. I'm going to try anyway. I'll never know until I try.
I want to feel my old normal so bad, but I know I can never be that person ever again. I am now officially this new person. I need to take what I have been given and make do. For some reason I have been put in this position, and I'm going to learn to embrace it. Embrace the new me. Yes there are things I can now no longer handle, and yes things affect me differently than what they used to. Doesn't mean I can't learn to deal with those things. It's just going to take awhile.
For once I understand the statement "It just takes time" a little more clearer.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Let it begin
I have made it to Valentine's Day. Let the melt down begin.
Did we celebrate like some people do? No. But we did celebrate it. We shared our love for each other every day, but a little more on Valentine's Day. It's hard to sit here. I want him back so bad. I want to hold him in my arms and never let go. Mine. I want what was mine back.
In two days I'll also be hitting a landmark date. 6 months. Half a year. Where did it go? I feel like at 6 months I should be feeling better. Moving on with life. Instead I feel like I'm going backwards. I can't take this. I can't do this anymore. The emptiness is eating me alive. The crying is wearing me out. Lack of sleep is making me even more emotionally unstable.
I think people are getting tired of listening to me. Wondering how much longer they're going to have to hear about this. Deal with my mood swings and up and down emotions. How much longer can I ask of people to listen?
I keep repeating to myself, "6 months, I should be better!" But I'm not. I'm just as fragile now as the day I found out. 6 months just means the shock has worn off, reality has set it, and I now know nothing I can do can fix anything.
I've fallen. Straight on my face. Where do I find the strength to pick myself back up?
Did we celebrate like some people do? No. But we did celebrate it. We shared our love for each other every day, but a little more on Valentine's Day. It's hard to sit here. I want him back so bad. I want to hold him in my arms and never let go. Mine. I want what was mine back.
In two days I'll also be hitting a landmark date. 6 months. Half a year. Where did it go? I feel like at 6 months I should be feeling better. Moving on with life. Instead I feel like I'm going backwards. I can't take this. I can't do this anymore. The emptiness is eating me alive. The crying is wearing me out. Lack of sleep is making me even more emotionally unstable.
I think people are getting tired of listening to me. Wondering how much longer they're going to have to hear about this. Deal with my mood swings and up and down emotions. How much longer can I ask of people to listen?
I keep repeating to myself, "6 months, I should be better!" But I'm not. I'm just as fragile now as the day I found out. 6 months just means the shock has worn off, reality has set it, and I now know nothing I can do can fix anything.
I've fallen. Straight on my face. Where do I find the strength to pick myself back up?
Sunday, February 12, 2012
We fall down, but we get up
Life really is an emotional roller coaster. You have your ups and then you have your downs. You fall, and you get back up. I have learned that there are things and times that I can't control. I'm also learning how to deal with it. Unless you've been through this you don't understand how big of a step that is.
I lost my husband. I lost half of my life. Half. Not all. I have the ability to pick back up and keep going. While it is not easy, and at time I don't want to do it at all, I know I have to. It's hard. So hard, to pick up by yourself and keep going. An older couple came into an ice cream shop I was at and instantly I hated them. I hated what they had, and what was taken from me. Sure, someday, I may get to be that little old couple, but not with the person I originally started out with. Looking at other happy people only makes you want what you had that much more. There's a ray of sunshine somewhere in the future. I know it's there. It's just being patient enough to wait for it to break over the horizon. It's always darkest before the dawn, right?
I lost my husband. I lost half of my life. Half. Not all. I have the ability to pick back up and keep going. While it is not easy, and at time I don't want to do it at all, I know I have to. It's hard. So hard, to pick up by yourself and keep going. An older couple came into an ice cream shop I was at and instantly I hated them. I hated what they had, and what was taken from me. Sure, someday, I may get to be that little old couple, but not with the person I originally started out with. Looking at other happy people only makes you want what you had that much more. There's a ray of sunshine somewhere in the future. I know it's there. It's just being patient enough to wait for it to break over the horizon. It's always darkest before the dawn, right?
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The Meeting.
I wonder who met you on the other side? Who you greet when someone else comes.
I can only hope that you have people there with you, as I do with me. I hope that the people that are here for me that have lost someone close are there with you to help you. We've all crossed paths for a reason. Maybe they're helping you learn how to help me.
I like to think that the same group of people down here, our group of people (wherever you are) are all together as well.
It's amazing what we do in our minds to try to sugar coat things.
I can only hope that you have people there with you, as I do with me. I hope that the people that are here for me that have lost someone close are there with you to help you. We've all crossed paths for a reason. Maybe they're helping you learn how to help me.
I like to think that the same group of people down here, our group of people (wherever you are) are all together as well.
It's amazing what we do in our minds to try to sugar coat things.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
"It hurts" can't even describe it.
It hurts.
Everything hurts.
It's a pain you can't describe unless you've been there and experienced it for yourself.
There isn't a pill to dull the pain. There isn't a drink to wash it away.
It's a pain that hurts, aches. Sometimes it's a sharp, stabbing, can't catch your breath kind of pain. Other times it's a dull ache that you want to rub away, but there's no way of doing it.
When you're faced with a new life everyday, a new life you didn't choose, how do you think you would feel? Being thrown into a world of emptiness, heart ache, and the worst one of all loneliness.
Somehow you have to keep the smile on your face. Somehow you have to live through the pain. While it's not easy, it's something you know you have to do. For yourself.
Everything hurts.
It's a pain you can't describe unless you've been there and experienced it for yourself.
There isn't a pill to dull the pain. There isn't a drink to wash it away.
It's a pain that hurts, aches. Sometimes it's a sharp, stabbing, can't catch your breath kind of pain. Other times it's a dull ache that you want to rub away, but there's no way of doing it.
When you're faced with a new life everyday, a new life you didn't choose, how do you think you would feel? Being thrown into a world of emptiness, heart ache, and the worst one of all loneliness.
Somehow you have to keep the smile on your face. Somehow you have to live through the pain. While it's not easy, it's something you know you have to do. For yourself.
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