Everything happens for a reason.
I do believe that, to a point. Sometimes I believe the reason is our own stupidity. But the moments, when something just happens, and you know the hand of the other side was helping, there's a reason.
Normally, on an occasion like that, my heart would be in a million pieces. Breaking apart of what should have been. Not that I'm over what should have been, but I'm just well aware of what can't be. I've learned to pick myself up and slowly stitch together my broken heart. A helping hand helped stitch a few more pieces tonight. In the weirdest of places and incidents.
Patience really is a virtue. Karma really does come around. Waiting is the hardest part. I don't believe karma is always bad, but simply an eye opener.
"Look what you're missing."
Is whatever battle you're fighting with someone, with yourself really worth missing out on something else so tiny, pure, and precious?
I think sometimes we forget to ask ourselves that.
Today. I hope in the eyes of someone else, reality hit. Not the bad kind, but that soft, sobering kind that simply says, "Is what I'm doing really worth it, or right? Look at what I'm missing."
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
It's the little things.
"Well you do what you do and you pay for your sins, And there’s no such
thing as what might’ve been, that’s a waste of time; drive you outta
your mind" - Tim Mcgraw
Oh, how I love me some Timmy.
But, something about these lyrics is just....right.
There are so many "what if's" that I could literally drive myself mad. I promised myself, when Dustin first died, I would NOT what if myself.
"What if I just talked to him for five more minutes."
"What if I didn't."
"What if I asked to go."
"What if I took him up on his 'offer' before he walked out the door."
What if....
Five minutes, actually probably more like two minutes, and this life would be completely different. My life literally changed in an instant because of a split second decision. On who's decision? I'll never know, nor do I want to know.
I'll drive myself out of my mind. It's a waste of time.
I can't change what happened. I can only rise from it.
Let me tell you, rising isn't all that easy. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes I feel like I could out lift some of those Olympian weight lifters with all the emotional baggage I have. But, I'm slowly learning to unpack it myself. Not carrying so much.
Not exactly letting go, but just putting it on a different shelf in my heart, head, and soul.
My own special locket in my pocket.
A friend of mine told me a week or so ago one simple sentence that has stuck withe me. In this sentence it has made me stop and realize, I went through something tragic, but it is not who I am. Not deep down in.
It's time I start finding me. Pulling out my locket when I need it to remember, or to put something else in there. Because:
A widow is what I am, but it is not who I am.
Oh, how I love me some Timmy.
But, something about these lyrics is just....right.
There are so many "what if's" that I could literally drive myself mad. I promised myself, when Dustin first died, I would NOT what if myself.
"What if I just talked to him for five more minutes."
"What if I didn't."
"What if I asked to go."
"What if I took him up on his 'offer' before he walked out the door."
What if....
Five minutes, actually probably more like two minutes, and this life would be completely different. My life literally changed in an instant because of a split second decision. On who's decision? I'll never know, nor do I want to know.
I'll drive myself out of my mind. It's a waste of time.
I can't change what happened. I can only rise from it.
Let me tell you, rising isn't all that easy. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes I feel like I could out lift some of those Olympian weight lifters with all the emotional baggage I have. But, I'm slowly learning to unpack it myself. Not carrying so much.
Not exactly letting go, but just putting it on a different shelf in my heart, head, and soul.
My own special locket in my pocket.
A friend of mine told me a week or so ago one simple sentence that has stuck withe me. In this sentence it has made me stop and realize, I went through something tragic, but it is not who I am. Not deep down in.
It's time I start finding me. Pulling out my locket when I need it to remember, or to put something else in there. Because:
A widow is what I am, but it is not who I am.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Don't shoot the messenger...
I'm not a writer, I'm not a blogger. I attempt this and then fail. But here goes nothing at describing my belated birthday present.
I called a medium.
Someone from a completely different state. She only knew my name was "Beth." That's it. Nothing else. So basically anything she came up with that would validate anything would have to be legit.
So from what I understand about this woman, when you call her, she always starts off with a prayer. No big deal. I'm a firm believer that there are people out that they can hear the other side, and I do believe it's a gift from God. But that's an entirely different story.
I call this lady, and I hate calling people I don't know. It terrifies me. The phone rings, she picks up and tells me she'll call me back from a different phone. Ok, no big deal. So here's out it goes:
**Phone ring**
Me: Hello
E: Hi Beth, Sorry about that I just had to switch over to another line. You wanted a channeling correct?
Me: Yes.
E: Ok. Did your husband pass away?
Me: Yes (Now when I called and left her a message all I said was "I want what you just did for a friend of mine, a channeling. Which was almost a month ago I left this message.)
E: Do you have a song?
Me: Yes
E: Was he named after his dad?
Me: No
E: Somethings wrong with his name. Like he should have been named after his dad.
Me: *giggle*
E: You can understand that?
Me: Yes, I tried to convince him to let me name our son after him. (Alex was Dustin's only boy, I feel he deserved to be named after his father, but Dustin hated his name and totally would not go for it.)
E: Well he wants you to know he was wrong. He should've listened to you, and let you name him. OH MY! I forgot to open up with prayer! Your husband just came in so strong, and clear that he really wanted you to know about your sons name.
Now she prays. Now the funny thing is, I have since talked about changing Alex's name since Dustin has passed. But I never have because Dustin did actually name him and I wanted him to always have that. Nice to know I was right in the end though.
E: Oh your husband has a lot of energy. A lot of white energy. He's showing me pink. Something precious. Do you have a daughter?
Me: Yes
E: I'm getting the letter M. Do you know what that means?
Me: Her name is Makayla.
E: Well that's it. He wants you to know he is with you and your children. This is how he is validating that he's still with you. He's very sad he left. It was unexpected and he didn't want to go. It wasn't his fault. Do you keep telling the children about their father?
Me: Yes, we talk about him all the time.
E: I am getting that it's very important to you and him that they know him.
(Now this conversation is after I had just spent three hours making photobooks for the kids from all the toasts that people did on his angelversary.)
Me: Yes, it is.
E: Well, he wants all his children to know he can see them, and he watches over them. He is still with them. He protects them. He's giving me the color green which stands for safety. He wants his children to know he's protecting them. He also wants them to stay together. They need each other to heal, and to help each other remember him.
Me: Yes, he always said he wanted the four of them to stick together.
E: Well the closer they all are together, the easier it is for him to protect them.
Me: Ok.
E: I see a bride. Are his older girls old enough to marry?
Me: Not really.
E: It must be you. You are his bride. He was very proud that day. He really thought you two were going to grow old together. The short time you had together he wants you to know he had complete fulfillment of his life. He has a very good heart. Good soul. Wise soul. Is his mother in spirit also?
Me: Yes she is.
E: He wants you to know she is with him.
Me: Ok.
E: He sends you the color yellow. It's a very odd color to send. It doesn't make sense to me. Yellow. Like the sun. More like sun rays. Do you have anything with sun rays?
Me: I have a fascination with sun rays. (Anyone that has seen my facebook has noticed I take pictures of clouds, especially ones that show sun rays.)
E: It is his way of showing you he's still with you. That's him when you notice them. He's all around you, all the time. He touches you. Can you feel it when he does?
Me: Yes, I have before.
E: He pokes you?
Me: *giggle* yes. (I have been poked on the bottom of my foot and tapped on my shoulder) I believe I see him too.
E: Yes, you do see him. And you do know when he's around. You can sense his presence. You two have a very high energy together. You were soul mates. Very tight connection. You two are like a ray of sunshine. You will never be broken. You know your love with him is eternal, but he wants you to move on. He wants your heart to heal. He says you need protected. He wants you safe.
(Now, there is more to this story that I will leave out because very very very few people know the truth. Let's just say she points out specific people of his family members, and what they have done. And if he could talk to them he would tell them, a he in particular, "He has hell to pay." It was a huge validation to me that it was actually Dustin she was talking to. There is no way she could have hit the points on that she did.)
E: This is why your husband wants you to move on. He knows you have a lot more life to live and he wants you to be protected. Your children to be safe. He also wants you to have fun with life. Stop being so serious. Why are you serious?
Me: I'm not really. I'm just concerned I won't be here for my children, so there are things I can't do now.
E: I'm confused. Why can't you do things? Are you ill?
Me: No, just stupid things. Careless. Like going on 4 wheelers or motorcycles.
E: Oh no! Have fun! I was confused because I thought you were saying you're ill when I can see you living a long life. Now, I understand. Have fun. He wants you to have fun.
***Slight pause***
E: You have a wonderful talent with your camera. He keeps showing me you with a camera. You have a great talent.
Me: What??
E: Yes. He's showing me you with a camera. Your business is going to grow. Like your life. It's all growing. You've put yourself on the right road that you need. This road you put yourself on will give you everything you need.
Me: I just started a business thing a few weeks ago. (Dude, there is no way she would've known this. None. At all. And of all hobbies to pick, photography?!)
E: You have a very good talent. You connect with it. Photography touches your soul.
Me: I've always said it relaxes me. That's why I love it. I let loose with it.
E: Yes. It connects with you. I see you going international with it. Not sure where. Maybe Italy. Either way it's going to be big, and with children. You're going to do something with children.
Me: They are my favorite to shoot.
E: Yes. Your story, your life experience, is going to be what drives you with this photography. Like maybe a book. You're going to do a book with photography that helps children with grief. This is your purpose. To help other people that are grieving. You're also going to meet your next husband through this line.
(I should've asked a time frame.)
E: This is amazing. You have such talent. Your husband is showing it all to me. You new husband, you will start a new family together.
Me: New family? Like more kids?
E: No. I see no more children for you, but he will come in and step up and be apart of the new family.
Me: I'm terrified it won't be as good.
E: That's a common fear. But this will be. You will grow old together. Stick to your photography, it is big with you. But, he keeps showing me something foreign. What are you going to school for?
Me: Health Information Technology.
E: No. That will help you for now, but you won't be doing that. Photography. Your camera. You're going international. How long has you're husband been gone?
Me: Two years.
E: Oh, year three. This is your inspiring year. This is your year. Your goddess is going to wake up. You're going to realize you're a woman again. This is the year for you. I'm amazed at how clear and strong your husband is. He will always be connected with you. Your next husband will know and understand that. Stay away from those that don't mean good. You have a good path going. You have great things coming. Does the phrase "Every cloud has a silver lining" mean anything to you?
Me: No. Well sort of. We used to always tell each other it'll be alright. Everything will work out and it'll be alright. I even have a tattoo on my back that says "I'll be alright because you're with me."
E: Yes. That's along the same lines. He is with you. I hope this brought you peace. You're a strong woman. You're an Earth sign. Strong.
So we hang up. There's some other parts and questions but nothing as cool as that. But, one weird thing, Alex was watching "Hop" while I was on the phone. As I walked downstairs, at the same time, the little bunny dude says "It's the silver lining." Or something mentioning a silver lining. How about that? Maybe Dustin was watching the movie with his son. Who knows. But either way. I'm pretty sure I spoke with him today. Happy belated birthday to me.
I called a medium.
Someone from a completely different state. She only knew my name was "Beth." That's it. Nothing else. So basically anything she came up with that would validate anything would have to be legit.
So from what I understand about this woman, when you call her, she always starts off with a prayer. No big deal. I'm a firm believer that there are people out that they can hear the other side, and I do believe it's a gift from God. But that's an entirely different story.
I call this lady, and I hate calling people I don't know. It terrifies me. The phone rings, she picks up and tells me she'll call me back from a different phone. Ok, no big deal. So here's out it goes:
**Phone ring**
Me: Hello
E: Hi Beth, Sorry about that I just had to switch over to another line. You wanted a channeling correct?
Me: Yes.
E: Ok. Did your husband pass away?
Me: Yes (Now when I called and left her a message all I said was "I want what you just did for a friend of mine, a channeling. Which was almost a month ago I left this message.)
E: Do you have a song?
Me: Yes
E: Was he named after his dad?
Me: No
E: Somethings wrong with his name. Like he should have been named after his dad.
Me: *giggle*
E: You can understand that?
Me: Yes, I tried to convince him to let me name our son after him. (Alex was Dustin's only boy, I feel he deserved to be named after his father, but Dustin hated his name and totally would not go for it.)
E: Well he wants you to know he was wrong. He should've listened to you, and let you name him. OH MY! I forgot to open up with prayer! Your husband just came in so strong, and clear that he really wanted you to know about your sons name.
Now she prays. Now the funny thing is, I have since talked about changing Alex's name since Dustin has passed. But I never have because Dustin did actually name him and I wanted him to always have that. Nice to know I was right in the end though.
E: Oh your husband has a lot of energy. A lot of white energy. He's showing me pink. Something precious. Do you have a daughter?
Me: Yes
E: I'm getting the letter M. Do you know what that means?
Me: Her name is Makayla.
E: Well that's it. He wants you to know he is with you and your children. This is how he is validating that he's still with you. He's very sad he left. It was unexpected and he didn't want to go. It wasn't his fault. Do you keep telling the children about their father?
Me: Yes, we talk about him all the time.
E: I am getting that it's very important to you and him that they know him.
(Now this conversation is after I had just spent three hours making photobooks for the kids from all the toasts that people did on his angelversary.)
Me: Yes, it is.
E: Well, he wants all his children to know he can see them, and he watches over them. He is still with them. He protects them. He's giving me the color green which stands for safety. He wants his children to know he's protecting them. He also wants them to stay together. They need each other to heal, and to help each other remember him.
Me: Yes, he always said he wanted the four of them to stick together.
E: Well the closer they all are together, the easier it is for him to protect them.
Me: Ok.
E: I see a bride. Are his older girls old enough to marry?
Me: Not really.
E: It must be you. You are his bride. He was very proud that day. He really thought you two were going to grow old together. The short time you had together he wants you to know he had complete fulfillment of his life. He has a very good heart. Good soul. Wise soul. Is his mother in spirit also?
Me: Yes she is.
E: He wants you to know she is with him.
Me: Ok.
E: He sends you the color yellow. It's a very odd color to send. It doesn't make sense to me. Yellow. Like the sun. More like sun rays. Do you have anything with sun rays?
Me: I have a fascination with sun rays. (Anyone that has seen my facebook has noticed I take pictures of clouds, especially ones that show sun rays.)
E: It is his way of showing you he's still with you. That's him when you notice them. He's all around you, all the time. He touches you. Can you feel it when he does?
Me: Yes, I have before.
E: He pokes you?
Me: *giggle* yes. (I have been poked on the bottom of my foot and tapped on my shoulder) I believe I see him too.
E: Yes, you do see him. And you do know when he's around. You can sense his presence. You two have a very high energy together. You were soul mates. Very tight connection. You two are like a ray of sunshine. You will never be broken. You know your love with him is eternal, but he wants you to move on. He wants your heart to heal. He says you need protected. He wants you safe.
(Now, there is more to this story that I will leave out because very very very few people know the truth. Let's just say she points out specific people of his family members, and what they have done. And if he could talk to them he would tell them, a he in particular, "He has hell to pay." It was a huge validation to me that it was actually Dustin she was talking to. There is no way she could have hit the points on that she did.)
E: This is why your husband wants you to move on. He knows you have a lot more life to live and he wants you to be protected. Your children to be safe. He also wants you to have fun with life. Stop being so serious. Why are you serious?
Me: I'm not really. I'm just concerned I won't be here for my children, so there are things I can't do now.
E: I'm confused. Why can't you do things? Are you ill?
Me: No, just stupid things. Careless. Like going on 4 wheelers or motorcycles.
E: Oh no! Have fun! I was confused because I thought you were saying you're ill when I can see you living a long life. Now, I understand. Have fun. He wants you to have fun.
***Slight pause***
E: You have a wonderful talent with your camera. He keeps showing me you with a camera. You have a great talent.
Me: What??
E: Yes. He's showing me you with a camera. Your business is going to grow. Like your life. It's all growing. You've put yourself on the right road that you need. This road you put yourself on will give you everything you need.
Me: I just started a business thing a few weeks ago. (Dude, there is no way she would've known this. None. At all. And of all hobbies to pick, photography?!)
E: You have a very good talent. You connect with it. Photography touches your soul.
Me: I've always said it relaxes me. That's why I love it. I let loose with it.
E: Yes. It connects with you. I see you going international with it. Not sure where. Maybe Italy. Either way it's going to be big, and with children. You're going to do something with children.
Me: They are my favorite to shoot.
E: Yes. Your story, your life experience, is going to be what drives you with this photography. Like maybe a book. You're going to do a book with photography that helps children with grief. This is your purpose. To help other people that are grieving. You're also going to meet your next husband through this line.
(I should've asked a time frame.)
E: This is amazing. You have such talent. Your husband is showing it all to me. You new husband, you will start a new family together.
Me: New family? Like more kids?
E: No. I see no more children for you, but he will come in and step up and be apart of the new family.
Me: I'm terrified it won't be as good.
E: That's a common fear. But this will be. You will grow old together. Stick to your photography, it is big with you. But, he keeps showing me something foreign. What are you going to school for?
Me: Health Information Technology.
E: No. That will help you for now, but you won't be doing that. Photography. Your camera. You're going international. How long has you're husband been gone?
Me: Two years.
E: Oh, year three. This is your inspiring year. This is your year. Your goddess is going to wake up. You're going to realize you're a woman again. This is the year for you. I'm amazed at how clear and strong your husband is. He will always be connected with you. Your next husband will know and understand that. Stay away from those that don't mean good. You have a good path going. You have great things coming. Does the phrase "Every cloud has a silver lining" mean anything to you?
Me: No. Well sort of. We used to always tell each other it'll be alright. Everything will work out and it'll be alright. I even have a tattoo on my back that says "I'll be alright because you're with me."
E: Yes. That's along the same lines. He is with you. I hope this brought you peace. You're a strong woman. You're an Earth sign. Strong.
So we hang up. There's some other parts and questions but nothing as cool as that. But, one weird thing, Alex was watching "Hop" while I was on the phone. As I walked downstairs, at the same time, the little bunny dude says "It's the silver lining." Or something mentioning a silver lining. How about that? Maybe Dustin was watching the movie with his son. Who knows. But either way. I'm pretty sure I spoke with him today. Happy belated birthday to me.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Life Lessons
It's amazing what life will teach you. I have learned so much about myself and people throughout these last seven months. Some not so good stuff, and some good stuff. While I'm no where near healed, or back to my hold self, I can feel myself becoming more and more ok with the person I am now becoming. Sure there are things where I don't know what to do and whether or not I'm making the right decision. But who cares? Life is nothing but a lesson. We make decisions and we learn from them. Good or bad.
I have noticed I am not the same person I used to be. Before August 16, 2011 and after. Don't get me wrong, I have what I believe all new issues to deal with in my head, things that are going to be my problem and that I will have to deal with, but I have also learned to love a little deeper, live a little more, and smile. Have I been handed a rough time? Yes I have. Is there someone out there who has it rougher than me? Yes there is.
It's amazing how life lessons give you a different outlook on life. You don't care what people think or what they say. It doesn't matter. Does it truly have an impact on your day to day living? No. So why care? Do what makes you happy. After all if we go through life miserable then whats the point of living anyway?
Live. Laugh. Love.
There is more to that than people typically understand.
Live for the moment, you may not have another one.
Laugh for the time, because you never know when it'll end.
Love with all your heart, because that is what people remember when you're gone.
I have noticed I am not the same person I used to be. Before August 16, 2011 and after. Don't get me wrong, I have what I believe all new issues to deal with in my head, things that are going to be my problem and that I will have to deal with, but I have also learned to love a little deeper, live a little more, and smile. Have I been handed a rough time? Yes I have. Is there someone out there who has it rougher than me? Yes there is.
It's amazing how life lessons give you a different outlook on life. You don't care what people think or what they say. It doesn't matter. Does it truly have an impact on your day to day living? No. So why care? Do what makes you happy. After all if we go through life miserable then whats the point of living anyway?
Live. Laugh. Love.
There is more to that than people typically understand.
Live for the moment, you may not have another one.
Laugh for the time, because you never know when it'll end.
Love with all your heart, because that is what people remember when you're gone.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Sprinkles turning into drops
Thursday was an interesting day. It rained all day so I decided to stay home and try out my baking and cooking skills. For once, my cooking skills turned out better than my baking. I got up and started a roast at 10 a.m. and let it simmer all day till about 6. Mmm It was so good! I made apple bread for dessert. That one the other hand looked horrible but it tasted pretty good!
Scary looking. But still taste, and that's all that matters right??
Sometimes Thursday I hurt my back. Not sure how I did it but I did. So I spent Friday at Urgent Care and they concluded I have a lumbar sprain. How the heck you sprain your lower back while doing nothing I'm not sure. But I somehow did it. I really need to live in a bubble. I got some nice muscle relaxers and a few pain pills. I do feel somewhat better today. Thanks to a wonderful heating pad.
I did find some bad news out thanks to facebook. A family friend lost her brother. Another wife lost her husband. I don't know what it is, but that alone makes me hurt. I hurt knowing what they're going to go through. What they're going to experience, and how much their life is going to change. It breaks my heart. This is one thing I wish I could protect from anybody. The hurt, the loneliness, the pain both emotionally and physically. One may not think that when you experience grief you don't experience a physical pain, but you do. It hurts so bad. No pain reliever to take it away you just have to deal. Along with everything else in your new life. You have to learn to deal.
It's like a boulder just hit me. Every time I hear of death I am sent spiraling back down the mountain. Back to were I started, except this time a little different. I'm a little stronger, and I know what to expect. Who needs to hike up Mt. Everest when you have life to hike through.
Scary looking. But still taste, and that's all that matters right??
Sometimes Thursday I hurt my back. Not sure how I did it but I did. So I spent Friday at Urgent Care and they concluded I have a lumbar sprain. How the heck you sprain your lower back while doing nothing I'm not sure. But I somehow did it. I really need to live in a bubble. I got some nice muscle relaxers and a few pain pills. I do feel somewhat better today. Thanks to a wonderful heating pad.
I did find some bad news out thanks to facebook. A family friend lost her brother. Another wife lost her husband. I don't know what it is, but that alone makes me hurt. I hurt knowing what they're going to go through. What they're going to experience, and how much their life is going to change. It breaks my heart. This is one thing I wish I could protect from anybody. The hurt, the loneliness, the pain both emotionally and physically. One may not think that when you experience grief you don't experience a physical pain, but you do. It hurts so bad. No pain reliever to take it away you just have to deal. Along with everything else in your new life. You have to learn to deal.
It's like a boulder just hit me. Every time I hear of death I am sent spiraling back down the mountain. Back to were I started, except this time a little different. I'm a little stronger, and I know what to expect. Who needs to hike up Mt. Everest when you have life to hike through.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Learning my way
There isn't much to go over lately. All has been pretty calm and quiet. That can be good, and that can be really bad. They always say there's a calm before the storm. We shall see.
I've been on this cooking kick. Trying all kinds of new recipes and stuff. Well tonight I tried this chicken, broccoli, cheese casserole thing. It was pretty tasty.
So glad I have friends will to be guinea pigs on my cooking adventures. Tomorrow I'm going to attempt a roast. Then Thursday I'm probably going to attempt an apple bread. I've never done bread in my entire life. Time to learn! I'm actually enjoying all this cooking and baking. It's something to throw myself into. Distractions are key to my life. I love distractions. Doesn't give me time to sit and think.
I can't wait for tomorrow! It's supposed to be 65 and sunny so we're going to the park again! Except this time I'm taking the camera with me. I want LOTS of pictures. Hopefully the kids will have fun. I'll have to let you know tomorrow how everything goes.
One last thing, next week is final exam week and then off till the 26th! Yes!
I've been on this cooking kick. Trying all kinds of new recipes and stuff. Well tonight I tried this chicken, broccoli, cheese casserole thing. It was pretty tasty.
So glad I have friends will to be guinea pigs on my cooking adventures. Tomorrow I'm going to attempt a roast. Then Thursday I'm probably going to attempt an apple bread. I've never done bread in my entire life. Time to learn! I'm actually enjoying all this cooking and baking. It's something to throw myself into. Distractions are key to my life. I love distractions. Doesn't give me time to sit and think.
I can't wait for tomorrow! It's supposed to be 65 and sunny so we're going to the park again! Except this time I'm taking the camera with me. I want LOTS of pictures. Hopefully the kids will have fun. I'll have to let you know tomorrow how everything goes.
One last thing, next week is final exam week and then off till the 26th! Yes!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Happy Anniversary to Us
This week has been one heck of a roller coaster! I have FOR SURE had my downs this week, but thankfully I have good friends and family that I have came out smiling.
My biggest hurdle this week, our anniversary. It would have officially been one full "leap" year of marriage. We were both so excited for it. We had big plans for it. Not very many people know but we were planning to renew our vowels with all our friends and family. Unfortunately we were not able to do that. 6 months short :(
That's ok. He made it up to me the best he could. He knew I would need a laugh this week. He knew it was going to be incredibly rough on me, and that I had a huge boulder hit me head on. I'm glad he still watches over me. You feel kind of special when you know you have a special guardian.
So while Tuesday was not an ideal day, and I learned a lot, I was afraid it was the beginning of a melt down. I'm sure he is not pleased with everything that has happened or what it currently going on, but there is nothing that he or I can do about it. So we just have to let it be, pick up, and move on. It's all I can do. Some things are beyond repair, I'm aware of that, I feel bad. Terrible. But what do you do? I had to cut it from my life. I have to walk away. It's best for everyone. I cried a lot Tuesday. But, once again, friends and family to the rescue. Giving me that pep talk that I needed. <3 They truly are what keep me going.
Now Wednesday! It's official. LEAP DAY! On this day, 4 years ago, Dustin and I took the leap on Leap Day. I remember the day. Even though it was a spur of the moment deal and it didn't involve all our family and friends, it didn't matter. We had each other. Till death do us part. Unfortunately that's what it came down to all to soon for me. As I will forever think about him, he will forever be in my heart. I will always have that empty space, a void that can never be filled. It's ok though. I love him. I always will. I am not ashamed of that.
I know a lot of people were worried about me on this day. It's a lot to have to go through the firsts, and nobody wants to do it alone. I'm so glad I have people that care enough to make sure I'm ok and not a burden. I really am at this point where I feel like I'm a burden. People have to be tired of hearing me talk about being a widow and what I'm going through, but it's such a BIG part of my life that I really don't know what else to talk about. It doesn't matter to some though. They still listen, they still care. Really helps the heart heal.
I really had all intentions of staying inside all day Wednesday. It was a beautiful day. Really should be spent outside, but I knew outside meant motorcycles and people enjoying the weather that my husband and I can no longer share together. We still share it, he gave me that special, beautiful day. That morning, Dustin's best friend, decided that I needed out of the house. He took Alex and I to some breakfast, and then told me to pick what we're doing next. Me, being the lets stay inside person, wanted to just go home, but he wasn't going to let me. Instead we decided to go to the park. It was such a great distraction. Alex played in the mud and water, and we walked more than I have in a LONG time. It was great. Great stories talking about Dustin. If anyone wants to comfort me the first thing to do is just talk about Dustin. Yes I may cry, but it puts me at such ease knowing I'm not the only one missing him.
After the park it was time to go home because Makayla would be getting out of school soon. Alex and I walked down to get her and on our way back I noticed a floral truck turning down our street. At the time I didn't think nothing of it, and I'm not sure why it even stood out to me, but it did. As we cross the street and start walking down our street to the house I notice the floral truck was sitting on my side of the road in front of my complex. How sweet I thought. Someone's getting flowers. The closer I got, the more I realized he was at MY front door. I immediately started crying. I went through this stage where I never wanted flowers, ever. I had seen enough flowers from the funeral. They filled my entire kitchen and half my living room!
Who would want flowers after seeing all of those! Flowers, the smell of them, the look of them just had a ruined meaning for me. While I did get some flowers for Valentines Day they just didn't do it for me. The delivery man got tired of waiting for me to answer the door I saw him just put the flowers down and start to walk to his truck. It was a cute little romantic set of flowers that came with a teddy bear.
When I read who they were from I had the biggest smile on my face. Through the tears I knew I still had people who loved and cared about me. Even though they went behind my back and tricked me it was still a great surprise. I left these on my table. Every so often throughout the night I would look over at them and smile. The idea of flowers again was starting to grow on me. So now I have these beautiful flowers, and still have a dinner to go to! I go to dinner, prime rib for Dustin, and then we go see a movie. Wanderlust. Oh boy, full of hippies and sex! Funny. Now its time for home and sleep. I really had a great anniversary, because of my friends and family.
But oh wait! It's not over. It's now Thursday and there's a knock on my door. MORE FLOWERS! What?! Well come to find out, the first set I got wasn't really the correct order. So I got replacement flowers. I thought my friends were just being silly and surprising me again as a "ha ha" with replacement flowers.
Come to find out, neither of these orders were correct. It's ok though. I have officially gotten over my fear of flowers simply by learning to laugh at the mess up of other people. It was entertaining. Since these weren't correct either...guess what..It's now Friday and who knocks at the door?? The flower man! With MORE flowers!
By this time I have laughing so hard the poor guy probably thought I was crazy. But oh wait, it's still not over. The flower man had to come back because he forgot my bear.
How about that. An angel bear. It was then that it clicked. Dustin sure did have some fun messing all of this up. He knew I'd need a laugh. What better way than THREE DAYS of flowers at my door. Isn't that every girls dream? On our anniversary Dustin always bought me flowers, and two cards. A funny card, and a romantic card.
Romantic card = the pink and red set
Funny card = the yellow set
Flowers = the correct arrangement with the angel bear. Letting me know he's still with me.
It's the simple things that put a smile on our face and help us to keep going. It's support and friendships. If it wasn't for these people I'm not sure how I would've handled this week. For all I know it could've took over me and it could've been the end. Remember to always be there for each other. You never know what is going on in their head and when they'll need you most. I need Dustin and I need my support team. Dustin made sure I got it all.
Happy Anniversary Honey. I love you.
My biggest hurdle this week, our anniversary. It would have officially been one full "leap" year of marriage. We were both so excited for it. We had big plans for it. Not very many people know but we were planning to renew our vowels with all our friends and family. Unfortunately we were not able to do that. 6 months short :(
That's ok. He made it up to me the best he could. He knew I would need a laugh this week. He knew it was going to be incredibly rough on me, and that I had a huge boulder hit me head on. I'm glad he still watches over me. You feel kind of special when you know you have a special guardian.
So while Tuesday was not an ideal day, and I learned a lot, I was afraid it was the beginning of a melt down. I'm sure he is not pleased with everything that has happened or what it currently going on, but there is nothing that he or I can do about it. So we just have to let it be, pick up, and move on. It's all I can do. Some things are beyond repair, I'm aware of that, I feel bad. Terrible. But what do you do? I had to cut it from my life. I have to walk away. It's best for everyone. I cried a lot Tuesday. But, once again, friends and family to the rescue. Giving me that pep talk that I needed. <3 They truly are what keep me going.
Now Wednesday! It's official. LEAP DAY! On this day, 4 years ago, Dustin and I took the leap on Leap Day. I remember the day. Even though it was a spur of the moment deal and it didn't involve all our family and friends, it didn't matter. We had each other. Till death do us part. Unfortunately that's what it came down to all to soon for me. As I will forever think about him, he will forever be in my heart. I will always have that empty space, a void that can never be filled. It's ok though. I love him. I always will. I am not ashamed of that.
I know a lot of people were worried about me on this day. It's a lot to have to go through the firsts, and nobody wants to do it alone. I'm so glad I have people that care enough to make sure I'm ok and not a burden. I really am at this point where I feel like I'm a burden. People have to be tired of hearing me talk about being a widow and what I'm going through, but it's such a BIG part of my life that I really don't know what else to talk about. It doesn't matter to some though. They still listen, they still care. Really helps the heart heal.
I really had all intentions of staying inside all day Wednesday. It was a beautiful day. Really should be spent outside, but I knew outside meant motorcycles and people enjoying the weather that my husband and I can no longer share together. We still share it, he gave me that special, beautiful day. That morning, Dustin's best friend, decided that I needed out of the house. He took Alex and I to some breakfast, and then told me to pick what we're doing next. Me, being the lets stay inside person, wanted to just go home, but he wasn't going to let me. Instead we decided to go to the park. It was such a great distraction. Alex played in the mud and water, and we walked more than I have in a LONG time. It was great. Great stories talking about Dustin. If anyone wants to comfort me the first thing to do is just talk about Dustin. Yes I may cry, but it puts me at such ease knowing I'm not the only one missing him.
After the park it was time to go home because Makayla would be getting out of school soon. Alex and I walked down to get her and on our way back I noticed a floral truck turning down our street. At the time I didn't think nothing of it, and I'm not sure why it even stood out to me, but it did. As we cross the street and start walking down our street to the house I notice the floral truck was sitting on my side of the road in front of my complex. How sweet I thought. Someone's getting flowers. The closer I got, the more I realized he was at MY front door. I immediately started crying. I went through this stage where I never wanted flowers, ever. I had seen enough flowers from the funeral. They filled my entire kitchen and half my living room!
Who would want flowers after seeing all of those! Flowers, the smell of them, the look of them just had a ruined meaning for me. While I did get some flowers for Valentines Day they just didn't do it for me. The delivery man got tired of waiting for me to answer the door I saw him just put the flowers down and start to walk to his truck. It was a cute little romantic set of flowers that came with a teddy bear.
When I read who they were from I had the biggest smile on my face. Through the tears I knew I still had people who loved and cared about me. Even though they went behind my back and tricked me it was still a great surprise. I left these on my table. Every so often throughout the night I would look over at them and smile. The idea of flowers again was starting to grow on me. So now I have these beautiful flowers, and still have a dinner to go to! I go to dinner, prime rib for Dustin, and then we go see a movie. Wanderlust. Oh boy, full of hippies and sex! Funny. Now its time for home and sleep. I really had a great anniversary, because of my friends and family.
But oh wait! It's not over. It's now Thursday and there's a knock on my door. MORE FLOWERS! What?! Well come to find out, the first set I got wasn't really the correct order. So I got replacement flowers. I thought my friends were just being silly and surprising me again as a "ha ha" with replacement flowers.
Come to find out, neither of these orders were correct. It's ok though. I have officially gotten over my fear of flowers simply by learning to laugh at the mess up of other people. It was entertaining. Since these weren't correct either...guess what..It's now Friday and who knocks at the door?? The flower man! With MORE flowers!
By this time I have laughing so hard the poor guy probably thought I was crazy. But oh wait, it's still not over. The flower man had to come back because he forgot my bear.
How about that. An angel bear. It was then that it clicked. Dustin sure did have some fun messing all of this up. He knew I'd need a laugh. What better way than THREE DAYS of flowers at my door. Isn't that every girls dream? On our anniversary Dustin always bought me flowers, and two cards. A funny card, and a romantic card.
Romantic card = the pink and red set
Funny card = the yellow set
Flowers = the correct arrangement with the angel bear. Letting me know he's still with me.
It's the simple things that put a smile on our face and help us to keep going. It's support and friendships. If it wasn't for these people I'm not sure how I would've handled this week. For all I know it could've took over me and it could've been the end. Remember to always be there for each other. You never know what is going on in their head and when they'll need you most. I need Dustin and I need my support team. Dustin made sure I got it all.
Happy Anniversary Honey. I love you.
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